


scars and the sea (sweep me away)

by r4m3nlvr



Series: the jokenverse [1]
Category: SB19 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Writer!Josh, comedy (barely), it's joken so of course it's angst, surfer!ken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:53:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 32,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24305437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r4m3nlvr/pseuds/r4m3nlvr
Summary: What do you get if you take a writer who can't write to the beach? Josh, who had been banished to a beach-side resort after a bad case of self-harm, hoped that it would be his next manuscript. But instead of inspiration, Josh was met and bothered by distraction... in the form of a dashing tan-skinned surfer who seemed to shine like sun!Rating changed to E for safety;Work contains: mentions of suicide, self-harm, and depression; angst, among others
Relationships: Joken, Josh Cullen Santos/Ken Suson, Stell Ajero/Sejun Nase, Stelljun - Relationship
Series: the jokenverse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1794040
Comments: 51
Kudos: 101





	1. prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> joken and angst is given.  
> joken and fluff... is difficult.  
> borne out of my need to write something with josh cliff-diving and ken being there to catch him; also inspired by ‘the reader’
> 
> warnings: mentions of suicide and self-harm, depression, might be a bit out-of-character because josh isn't depressed, and while ken is smooth as butter he probably isn't pushy

**prologue**

“Josh!” he heard Jun scream.

_Ugh. Shut up, Se-Jun_ , Josh thought. But his lips didn't move. _It’s just blood._

“God, what are you doing to yourself?!” Jun’s voice was more frantic as he tried to stop the bleeding on Josh’s wrists. “ _That’s it, Josh Cullen_! I am taking you _away_ from this dump!”

* * *

Josh Cullen Santos shielded his eyes from the sun. Had it always been _this_ bright? Or maybe he had just spent so much time cooped up in this condominium that the sun rarely ever hit his skin. Most likely the latter because as Josh looked at his hands, they have been looking quite pale.

Still, if he needed a tan why didn’t Jun just send him to a spa resort? Why the beach in the middle of God-knows-where? He might get murdered in his cottage by a stranger in this place and Jun wouldn’t know who did it.

Sejun Nase, Josh’s editor for ten years and his close friend for seven, was a nice man whom Josh had come to treat as his family. He could always count on Jun to be there when Josh was at his wit’s end thinking about what to write or when he had spent far too long without food and water. Jun would be there to check on him, sometimes at the most inappropriate moments.

Two weeks prior, Jun had come unannounced to Josh’s condominium in the middle of the night and arrived to see Josh adding new cuts to both his wrists. It wasn’t the first time Josh had cut himself---he had been doing it since he high school, when he had been bullied for being adopted, being the nerd who spent more time with characters in books than actual people. Unfortunately, it was the first time for Jun. And even though Josh assured him that it was just a “phase” and it will “eventually pass”, Jun put his foot down on Josh’s bullshit.

“Josh, you’re like a brother to me,” Jun told him at the emergency room once they were given some time alone. “Please don’t make me worry like that again.”

Josh rarely ever saw Jun close to tears. His friend had always been strong and level-headed, even during the worst fights he’d have with his lover. So when Jun pleaded with tears in his eyes, Josh suddenly felt guilty for what he’d done.

“Okay… I’m… I’m sorry, Jun,” he remembered saying.

“Promise me you’ll let me help you, whatever this is.” Black eyes glistened with tears as Jun spoke. Josh only nodded.

Agreeing to the promise, apparently, involved Josh leaving his condominium and going on a week-long trip to an unknown resort somewhere in Surigao. Jun had been adamant about Josh needing some place new to think, to get away from the pressures of his publishers. And what better way to unwind than the beach? Two weeks later, Josh was forced to go on a solo getaway.

“It’ll be good for you,” Jun had said. “Who knows? It just might be the push you need to get started on a new manuscript!”

It had been two years since Josh had written a decent paragraph. So Josh wondered where Jun got his optimism. A good bet would be his boyfriend, Stell, who was as uppity and cheerful as uppity-and-cheerful could get. Perhaps if Josh had even a quarter of that optimism, he would think the same.

So as Josh sat on the terrace of the cottage that would be his for the next week, shielding his eyes from the sun even though he wore glasses, he tried to be optimistic. Maybe… maybe he will be able to pick up that pen and get back to writing _something_ in the nameless paradise he’s in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda depressing. might write a lighter chapter... maybe.


	2. meeting surfer boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i may be writing way too much
> 
> warnings: mentions of self-harm, depression, homophobia, among other things

**chapter one: meeting surfer boy**

“How is it?”

"It's only day one."

"I know, but how is it?"

“I still have no idea what to write for a manuscript, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Well, that’s _not_ what I’m asking. I may be your editor, but I’m not the people from the Board who keeps pressuring you to write.”

“You’re getting defensive.”

“I’m only asking if you like the place at all… if you’ve done some exciting things.”

Josh sighed. Jun had always felt responsible for two things when it came to Josh: One, whether he was writing his manuscripts, and; two, if he was being active. Josh had been faithful to Jun only on the first in the past. But recently, he had been failing him on both.

“Well,” Josh replied, taking in the view in front of him. “I guess it _is_ a beautiful place.”

And it was. The sky was bright and light blue, clouds lazily floating like cotton candy across it. It reflected the vivid emerald of the sea that was directly in front of Josh. There were some boats in the distance; fishing boats, one local said, as it was still the folk’s main source of income. The waves were strong in that part of the island, and so every now and then a huge wave would approach the swimmers and surfers in the water. The sea breeze was warm and humid, and smelled pleasantly of salt. The sound of the waves as they crashed onto shore was relaxing.

Josh had been to many beaches in the country and abroad, but there was something about the seemingly-untouched water that Josh found beautiful—even if he had no intention of actually _swimming_ in it.

Closer to shore, some young men were giving basic surfing lessons; some people participated in the discussion while others only watched. There were also a handful of people lazing near the shore. Children, families, lovers and tourists played in the sand. Everyone seemed to enjoy being kissed by the sun while scantily clad in their swimwear.

Meanwhile, Josh sat back on the sun lounge underneath the thickest shade under the trees he could find, wearing a long-sleeved rash guard under his polo shirt that was designed like the sea threw up in it. As beautiful as this place was, Josh still preferred being kept away from the sun and the water. So he happily sipped his iced tea as he crossed his stretched legs over the lounge.

“And did you meet people?” Jun asked him over the phone. “Someone nice, maybe?”

_Right_. There was a third thing Jun felt responsible for regarding Josh: successfully giving him a love life. “Please don’t tell me that’s why you banished me here.”

Jun was _definitely_ smiling on the other line. “Maybe? I mean, how long has it been since you’ve had a serious relationship?”

“How about _never_?” Josh said, lowering his sunglasses so he could eye one of the three surfer boys in the distance.

“Suit yourself. Grow old and die alone,” Jun muttered.

“I _won’t_ die alone,” Josh said confidently. “I have you.”

Jun laughed. “Sorry, I’m already taken… but seriously, Josh. You should write again. You’ve been a shut-in for too long and it can’t be good for you _or_ for your career.”

Josh threw his head back. “Alright, I’ll try… But I won’t promise, okay? I’m just… not in the mood right now.”

“Hey… You know I’m always here for you, right?”

“Well, _Se-Jun_. Technically, you’re _not_ here because you sent me off alone so you can go elope with your boyfriend.”

“That may be half true,” Jun said, chuckling, “but I would still keep tabs on whether that beautiful brain of yours is coming up with anything for your readers.”

He sighed, defeated. “The readers... right. I’ll try… I’ll see you in a week’s time, _mom_.”

“Haha, very funny. I’ll talk to you later. Take care of yourself.”

Josh lay on his back and put his arm over his eyes. Right. _Manuscript_. One word that meant a lot to him in the past but felt like a burden now. He loved writing. He loved how he would be able to create an entire universe with just his pen. He loved it, and everybody else seemed to love his writing, too. So much so that every book he’d ever written became a best-seller and he became a multi-awarded author.

He loved writing. _Loved_ , as in, past tense. Because for the past two years, Josh found himself floundering. He had lost that passion for stories and his imagined universes. People kept asking for more, more, _more_! And maybe Josh gave a little piece of himself to each and every one of them until there was nothing left forhimself.

Every time he would pick up a pen, it would hurt. He had grown to hate the thing he loved most… his reason for living. So what was the point of anything at all? He might as well die while he was young.

Josh just wanted to feel. To be alive again. He wasn’t as optimistic, but he did hope for the same thing as Jun. He hoped that this trip would help him come up with _something_ , at the very least.

“Hi.”

Josh’s thoughts were interrupted by a deep baritone. His ears perked up and he opened his eyes. Standing in front of him was one of the surfer boys giving lessons some distance away.

_Surfer boy number one_ , Josh noted. He had given them numbers based on how physically attractive Josh found them to be.

Surfer boy number one smiled at him. He had dyed blonde hair and dark skin from spending too much time in the sun. As he looked down at Josh, his eyes were inviting, and his smirk was confident.

Josh gave him a once over. “Yes?”

“My friends and I saw you watching, and I thought maybe you wanted to join us by the beach.”

“Ah, no. I’m okay. I don’t swim,” he replied.

“Oh, that’s fine. We give lessons.”

“That’s great and all… but I really am not into the water so much.”

“What about surfing? Have you tried it?”

Josh sighed, starting to get annoyed now. “No, _pre_. I don’t swim and I don’t surf. So I would _really_ appreciate it if you just leave me alone.”

Surfer boy number one’s face suddenly turned sultry. “How about a special service?”

_Wow, speed_ , Josh thought and was immediately disappointed. He had been gay for as long as he can remember. But he had never hated himself for it. It wasn’t something he announced to every stranger, but he wouldn’t deny it if anyone asked either. But then there would be men like this…

Josh had lived long enough to figure out that there were two types that Josh’s charisma attracted: people after his beauty, and then people after his money. Neither of these kinds of people ever got close to Josh’s bed chamber. So being asked that question was both insulting and demeaning.

Did everyone honestly think gay men and women were only after sex?

Josh got up from the sun lounge and stood in front of surfer boy number one. Though he was taller, Josh was obviously more muscular. He suddenly tensed. Then Josh gave him a charming smile—before punching him in the nose.

Surfer boy number one fell back on the sand, holding a bloodied nose with one hand. “ _Putangina_!”

“You know, I don’t appreciate that question,” Josh said with venom in his voice. “So, no. I’d have to decline your offer.”

“You broke my nose, _fag_!”

_Oh, ho! Someone's kind of a sore loser_. Josh was just about to kick him when his friends suddenly arrived and crowded over him. Surfer boy numbers two and three were immediately at his side like some sort of bodyguards.

“ _I’ll fucking kill you_!”

“Stop it, _dre_ ,” said surfer boy number three. He knelt beside number one and put a hand on his chest. Then, he turned to Josh with a questioning look.

“You’d better tell your friend to watch his tongue,” he said to number three. “Next time, I just might break his neck.”

“Whatever it is that he said, I apologize,” replied number three, genuine. “I’ll… talk to him. I’m _really_ sorry.”

_You’re cute_ , thought Josh as he stared at number three’s deep brown eyes. _But you’ve got bad taste in friends_.

Without even bothering to reply, Josh turned on his heel and walked away.

* * *

Josh was known for many things… but being mindful was not one of them. So it didn’t really come as a surprise when he realized late in the afternoon that he had lost his book and his cellphone.

_That’s great, Josh Cullen Santos_ , he mentally reprimanded. _One more reason to make John Paulo Sejun Nase flip_!

He paced around the terrace, trying to retrace his steps. He was at the beach the whole morning, then the restaurant, then back at the beach again before going back to the cottage. But he didn’t remember where he last had his book and his phone.

In a state of quiet panic, Josh sat down on the hammock that hung between two posts and put his head in his hands. It was a position that he liked because it made him think better.

“Uhm…” came a voice. Josh decided he would ignore it if it wasn’t followed up by anything with sense. “Are you Josh Cullen Santos?”

Josh immediately lifted his head and stared at the speaker.

Deep brown eyes, tanned skin, hair at the back dyed a strange color of teal. Surfer boy number three stood tentatively outside the terrace, looking at Josh.

_Why, did you come here to kill me_? asked Josh in his mind. But what he actually spoke out loud was, “Yes, that would be me.”

Number three heaved a sigh of relief. “I came here to give you these,” he said and handed Josh a medium-sized light novel and a phone. _His_ medium-sized light novel and phone, to be exact.

Josh felt the worry leave his chest. His eyes widened and he grabbed the book and his phone from number three’s outstretched hand. “Oh, my God! Where did you find these?”

“You left them by the beach,” he replied, smiling a little bit. His teeth were a bit wonky, Josh noted. But there was something about his smile that was strangely attractive. Maybe it was the kindness in his eyes.

“Ah… thanks, man. I owe you.”

Josh meant to say this to dismiss number three, but for some reason the young man stood still by the terrace.

“You… were the one who punched my friend, right?”

Josh bit his lip and looked away. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”

“ _Haha_ , I’m pretty sure it was you,” he said. “Your face is kind of hard to forget.”

_Okay?_ “Meaning?”

“Ah, sorry. I didn’t mean anything weird by it. I just sort of remembered. Sorry.” Number three waved his hands in front of his chest apologetically.

Josh rubbed the back of his neck and smiled at him. “How’s his nose?”

Number three pretended to think for a second. “Crooked… but he’s always been ugly so no damage done, I guess.

“I also want to apologize… for what he said. The manager already reprimanded him. I’m really sorry. Please don’t think every staff member of the resort is like him.”

Josh chuckled. “It’s all good. At least I got to punch him.”

“Good punch,” he said. “Again. I’m… really sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. There are people like that. That’s how life is.”

“Ah, then—”

“Do you have anything else to say?” Josh cocked his head to the side and raised an eyebrow.

It was number three’s turn to look away. “Just that your friend… John Paulo was his name, right? He called your phone several times, so picked it up. He sounded worried.”

_Ah, so that’s how it is John Paulo_. “Right. Sorry about him. He’s bossy but he’s a good guy. What else did he say?”

“That you’re a writer…”

“And?”

“That you’re… he used a big word.”

“Suicidal? Diagnosed with Major Depression?”

“Ah, he said ‘lackluster’.”

“Haha, that _is_ a big word,” Josh replied. “Yeah, I’m here to hopefully get started on one of these again.”

Josh waved the novel in his hand. It was one of his first books, now tattered in places and with some pages already falling off the binding. It was Josh’s favorite among his works.

“Ah, you wrote that?”

“Yeah,” Josh replied.

“Cool, cool,” number three replied. Josh eyed him suspiciously.

“John Paulo asked you to do something, didn’t he?”

Number three laughed. _What the heck, that was cute_. “Sorry, he just sounded so panicked that I unknowingly said ‘yes’. Please don’t tell him I told you.”

“No worries. So what did he say?”

“He just asked me to check on you every now and then. And asked me if I could help you with your writing and stuff.”

“Ah. I’m okay, you don’t need to bother. It just takes me a while to find inspiration.”

Number three spread his hands and gestured to the entire resort. “Well, if it’s inspiration, I think I can help you. I know this island like the back of my hand.”

Josh blinked at him.

“Sorry… I don’t want to be pushy. I just… think you’re an interesting person.”

Indeed, there were two types of people that Josh’s charisma attracted. But then there some like this guy, who were so few there weren’t enough of them to constitute a third category. The kind who looked beyond Josh’s youthful features and the number of zeroes in his bank account. The kind who looked him in the eyes to pick at his brains and stare at his soul.

It was these kinds of people that piqued Josh's interest.

“I hope that didn’t sound weird or nothing. It’s the first time I’ve met a writer.”

“What’s your name?” Josh asked number three.

“It’s… Ken,” he replied.

Josh held out his hand. Ken, surfer boy number three, took and shook it. His hand was large and calloused, rough against Josh’s smaller and smoother one.

“Josh Cullen. Nice to meet you,” he replied. “Well, John Paulo might hound me if I don’t get this manuscript started so I’ll take you up on that offer, I guess. How much?”

Ken waved his hands again. “Nah, no need. Think of it as an apology for what my friend did. He was… kind of a jerk to you.”

“Well… He _was_ a jerk... and I _do_ like free stuff,” Josh replied. “No strings attached, right?”

Ken nodded and jokingly wrote an X over his chest. “Cross my heart. I’ll pick you up later at seven thirty?”

“Sure. I’ll be here all day.”

Ken smiled again, this time showing his charmingly wonky teeth fully. “Great. See you… Josh Cullen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this will be a short story. just needed to get this one out of my head.


	3. kissing surfer boy

**chapter two: kissing surfer boy**

Josh woke up to the sound of someone knocking on his door. It seemed unlikely that it was the resort staff because he gave strict instructions to just leave his meals in a sealed container by the door.

“What do you want?” Josh said, his voice coming out as a dragging drawl.

“Ah… it’s—it’s _Ken_ …” said a voice.

_Shit_ , Josh cursed and immediately sat up when he saw the time on his phone. It was already 8:20 in the evening, which meant he’s been asleep for more than four hours. Also, he completely forgot about his appointment with surfer boy Ken.

Josh ran to the door, almost tripping on his feet as he did. He cracked the door slightly, and saw that Ken was standing there in a plain shirt and jeans.

“Sorry. Did I wake you?” he said as soon as his eyes met Josh’s.

“Have you been there awhile?”

“Well—”

“I’ll know if you lie.”

“Since past seven, I think?”

“Shit, _an hour_? _Really_?!” Josh closed the door and immediately started to look for his shirt. “Out of curiosity, where are you taking me? Does it have a dress code?”

Ken laughed from outside the door. “No… Just casual is okay. It’s the mid-week bonfire party tonight so I thought I’d take you there.”

Josh hurriedly wore his pants, his watch, and put on some perfume before pocketing his phone and some cash. When he opened the door, Ken greeted him with a small smile.

“So it’ll be like… drinking and dancing?” Josh asked.

“More or less. Are you a fan of both?”

“Just the drinking,” he replied. Josh got out of the cottage and locked the door behind him. He let Ken lead the way to the party. “I’m too old for the dancing.”

Ken laughed. “You honestly don’t look older than 25.”

It was Josh’s turn to laugh. “I _have_ been told I look quite young for my age.”

Ken led him to a huge open space in the resort beside the main restaurant. There was a huge hall at the side of the open sandpit where a DJ was expertly laying on the beats of the music that came out of several speakers piled on top of each other. A raging bonfire was lit at the very middle of the sandpit, where most of the guests were crowded around.

It seemed to Josh that Ken’s ‘drinking and dancing’ was not the same as _his_ ‘drinking and dancing’. Judging by the sweaty humans in skimpy clothing who gyrated next to each other, Ken’s definition was _way_ less conservative than Josh’s.

“Do you enjoy dancing?” Ken asked him, leaning his head over to Josh’s height.

“Not… _like that_ ,” Josh said.

Ken stepped in front of him gestured for him to join in. When Josh didn’t reply, Ken just started dancing with a random guest. Ken moved with swag and practiced ease. In the sea of clumsy dancing and drunk movements, Josh thought he shone like a star. Every step was like fireworks, and Ken looked like he was really enjoying himself.

There was an unbidden smile on Ken’s face as he continued dancing that was contagious. Unknowingly, Josh smiled, too. At least one of them seemed to be having fun. But Josh felt a bit suffocated by the sheer number of people. The flashing lights were too bright, the sounds too cacophonous, and the people to unfamiliar that he started to feel overwhelmed. So he grabbed one beer can from a waitress who was going around with them and fell away from the crowd.

Josh sat on the sand some distance between the party and the shore, finishing the beer in three large gulps. The sound of the waves was very calming, and even the distant sound of the crowd was like a lullaby in his ears.

His mind started to wander to his manuscript. Specifically, _why_ he couldn’t write one. Josh put his elbow on his knee and hung his head. It wasn’t true that he had no ideas whatsoever. In fact, Jun constantly tells him that nine out of ten ideas that Josh has are manuscript worthy. But every time Josh writes, the words mock him. They intimidate the heck out of him and tell him that his writing wasn’t good enough… that he should just stop because nobody was going to read a story written by a lazy, depressed, uninspired second-rate author.

Josh's tormenting thoughts were winning him over when a sudden warmth beside him made him jump. Ken was plopped down on the sand next to him— _too close_ —and was looking out to the sea. He stretched out his legs as he opened a beer can, offered it to Josh, and got another one for himself.

“Seems like you’re enjoying the party,” Ken started after drinking from his can. “Sorry, did you not like it?”

“Well…” Josh started, “I just… get easily overwhelmed in large crowds.”

“Oh, why didn’t you say so?” Ken asked, and he pouted slightly at Josh. “I could’ve brought you someplace more intimate.”

Josh laughed. “It’s okay. At least you had fun. You looked great out there, by the way. What are you, some sort of dance machine? Did you go to dance school?”

If it were brighter, Josh thought he would have seen a blush on Ken’s tanned cheeks. “Haha, no… I didn’t go to school.”

Josh blinked. “Like… _at all_?”

Ken nodded and took another sip of his beer. “Simple boy from the province. Poor, lazy, and not interested. What could you expect?”

"Not even elementary?"

"Nope..."

“So… how far along have you gone in your studies?”

“Ah… I recognize letters and stuff, but I can’t write and I’m honestly too lazy to learn how to read.”

Josh pulled a face of disbelief and Ken laughed at him. Telling Josh that reading made them lazy was like telling him that stories weren’t worth reading. “My God, you’re missing out on so many good stories!”

“Oh, yeah?” Ken said, looking at him as if asking him to prove it.

"Hold my beer."

Pulling out his phone, Josh quickly went to his downloaded books where he kept his most beloved favorites. Then he started reading from _The Little Prince_. Ken was quiet the whole time that Josh read from the book. He would nod, and smile at times. Occasionally, he would drink from his beer can and stare off into the distance.

When Josh had finished reading one chapter, he turned back to Ken. Ken, on the other hand, was waiting for him to continue.

“Why did you stop?” he asked.

“Do you know that people pay _me_ to read _my books_ to _them_? And here you are getting it for free.”

Ken drank from his beer can and offered it to Josh. “Here. _Payment_.”

“Ugh, you’re so _stingy_.”

He laughed loudly. “Poor and lazy…”

“Didn’t you think about going to school at all? Like… there _must_ have been an opportunity!”

“Well… it’s not really because I was lazy. I _did_ want to go to school, you know?” Ken said and stared at the blackness in front of them. The waves held their breath in preparation for what Ken would say. “But… we were poor and I had to work to support myself and my family.

“Don’t get me wrong,” he continued. “I _tried_ learning by myself. I can recognize letters and numbers, as I said. I just can’t put them together… and I think it’s too late to start learning now.”

“That’s—” Josh couldn’t continue because there was a lump in his throat.

“Haha, don’t feel too bad for me, man,” Ken said, noticing how Josh’s eyes glazed over. “I’m pretty happy with my life here now. It’s simple, and the sea is beautiful… And I just take it one day at a time, you know? Less complicated that way.”

“That’s so sad—” Josh couldn’t continue when the tears involuntarily streamed down his face. He wasn’t even trying to _feel_ sorry, but his tears fell anyway. And once they started, he couldn’t stop.

Despite his attitude and bad disposition in life, Josh had always been a soft person. He would cry over the smallest things and empathize with every story he hears. Jun said it’s what made him a good storyteller. But it also meant he felt strongly about things that he _did_ feel about. And, every once in a while, Josh would cry for no reason whatsoever just thinking about stories and life.

“ _Hala_ , sor—sorry. Just give me a sec.”

Ken looked a little frantic, not sure what to do. He held Josh’s face and wiped the tears that steadily streamed. Worry was apparent in his eyes as they stared into Josh’s.

Looking at them, Josh couldn’t help but notice how kind they were. It betrayed the edginess of Ken’s aura. They were eyes that told a million stories… and Josh wanted to hear all of them. But instead of his eyes, it was Ken’s lips that now spoke to Josh’s own… as Ken kissed him.

Two things surprised Josh the most once he realized what was happening. One, that a complete stranger was kissing him like Josh was someone precious; and two, that Josh was letting him. _Scratch that_ , Josh was deepening the kiss.

It was too fast and too soon that Josh had to muster up enough sense to grab Ken by the neck and pull away.

“ _Wait_ …!” Josh whispered.

Ken covered his mouth with the back of his hand and looked away shyly. “ _Shit_ , sorry—I was out of line.”

“No, I was… I got carried away, too,” Josh said. “It’s fine… it’s the alcohol and the, uh… the mood.”

“Nah, I’m pretty sure I’m sober.”

“Just… _pretend_ … that it’s because of the alcohol.” Josh looked around to see if anyone saw them and felt relieved when everyone seemed to be preoccupied by the party going on behind them.

“So you’re saying you didn’t like it?” Ken asked, eyes teasing.

“Why don’t you _shut up_?”

Ken let out a laugh. “I’m just _saying_ …”

Josh eyed him dangerously. Well, at least Ken was a stranger who lived far away from Manila. Once the week is over, Josh would be able to forget everything that ever happened on this island. Like a summer fling. No strings attached, as they discussed.

But why did that hurt a little?

Josh stood up, dusted himself, and started to walk away. “I’ll go back to the cottage.”

“Josh, _wait_ —” Ken said, making him stop mid-step. Josh turned around and Ken was rubbing the back of his neck. “Uhm… wait, sorry. I suddenly forgot what I was going to say.”

Josh raised one eyebrow. _Stop. Being. So. Damn. Cute._

“I’m waiting.”

“Oh, right,” Ken said. “Do you still need to write that book?”

“If you’re inviting me to another party—”

“No, not a party! I promise,” he said and crossed his heart the same way he did earlier that afternoon. “Less crowded places. Secret spots. Inspiration _guaranteed_.”

Josh stared at Ken. He didn’t even know why he was still considering after everything that had happened. It was dangerous… and it was a tempting offer.

“Eleven,” Josh decided.

“What?”

“ _Eleven_ ,” he repeated. “If I’m still not awake by then, just keep knocking.”

Ken smiled widely, and even though it was so dark he seemed to radiate light. “Eleven. Got it.”

Josh turned away and started walking back to the cottage, finding himself looking forward to the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can't believe i just wrote that at 1am.


	4. teaching surfer boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no.
> 
> warnings: heavy narrations, a little bit of angst, mediocre + unproofed writing

**chapter three: teaching surfer boy**

He wasn’t excited. He _wasn’t._ He only happened to wake up earlier than his alarm that day. Besides, Ken was early the night before and Josh had completely left him knocking on the door for more than an hour. It was only proper that Josh be early this time round. So at exactly ten in the morning, Josh was already waiting outside his cottage.

Josh couldn’t help but think about what Ken had planned for that day. Maybe a museum? A local park? Other beach-front resorts? The mystery made Josh excit— _restless_. He wasn’t excited. He was _restless_. There was a difference.

The sound of a roaring engine interrupted Josh in his musing as it approached. At first, he ignored it. Motorcycles were the main mode of transportation in the small island. It could have been anybody…

Except that the motorcycle parked right in front of Josh’s cottage. Ken turned the engine off and got down from his vehicle. He dusted off his cargo pants and straightened his plain black shirt before unbuckling his helmet.

When he turned, he looked surprised to see that Josh was already waiting on the hammock. Ken bit back his smile.

“You’re early,” he greeted, standing at the entrance of the terrace.

“So are you,” Josh replied, looking at his watch through his tinted sunglasses. “It’s only 10:30.”

“I know… I just thought I’d rather be early than late.”

Josh nodded. “Good man. So, where are you taking me today?”

“It’s a surprise. But, hey… it might get hot today. Are you sure you wanna wear that?” Ken gestured to Josh’s long-sleeved top and his tight-fitting jeans.

“I hate the sun,” Josh replied curtly. “ _I’m a vampire_.”

“Yikes. _Scary_ ,” Ken said, then smiled showing his charming wonky teeth. “Anyway, I’ll just take you around my favorite places. You haven’t been downtown yet, have you?”

“Ah, no… It wasn’t in my itinerary.”

“Shame.” Ken handed him another helmet that hung on the motorcycle’s handles. “Here, wear this.”

Josh blinked at him, confused. “You’re going to take me around town… in _that_ motorcycle?”

“ _What’s wrong with it_?” he asked, sounding offended.

“You might kill us both!”

Ken laughed heartily, causing Josh to smile despite his slight fear of two-wheeled drives. “I promise you: as long as you hold tight, you’re safe with me.” Then, he crossed his heart again.

“You’d better. Because my publishers will sue you. My right hand is insured for a lot of money.” Josh was still smiling as he said this. Then he wore the helmet that was a little too big for his head.

Ken mounted the motorcycle, started the engine, and gestured for Josh to get on. Reluctantly, Josh threw his legs over the vehicle and held on tight to the metal that lined the seat.

“Comfy?”

“ _Not at all_.”

“Then you’re all set.”

* * *

Ken had driven moderately fast. He was probably being mindful of Josh who kept telling him to be careful. When Josh started talking too much, Ken distracted him by pointing to locations they passed by and giving him trivia about them.

Like how the local fishermen were not only fishermen but chefs as well, who offered cooked seafood by the side of the road. Josh was surprised at the size and variety of the fishes, sea urchins, prawns, even clams that they passed by while driving.

Ken had also driven around some of the historical places in the island. Explaining how, in the past, it used to be meeting areas for the indigenous people and foreign settlers to barter goods. And how their municipal hall was built on a tribal war-zone for the ancestors of the people of the island. Ken spoke with so much wisdom that Josh forgot he was not educated in any way… and that made Josh a little bit proud.

After driving for thirty minutes, Ken parked by a pier. Josh wondered what they could be doing there, when it seemed to be a dock for ships and boats. It didn’t look like a tourist destination or a hangout spot for teenagers.

Josh had imagined Ken would be taking him to malls, parks, beach-side properties, and other locations that couples typically went on in dates. But then Josh had to remind himself that, _no_ , they were not in a date. It was _research_ for his manuscript.

When Josh asked what they were doing there, Ken only responded, “Best seafood in the area” and walked ahead.

‘Best seafood in the area’, it turns out, was a wet market for fresh catch from fishermen and larger fishing vessels. Josh ogled the assortment of choices and just about shouted when Ken told him that they could have it cooked and eaten right away. Josh had always been a fan of seafood, but fresh seafood was sparse in the Metro. And the seafood in front of him were _ginormous_ , colorful, and, once he got to taste it later, _delectable_. All the big words from Josh’s vocabulary flashed in front of his eyes as he ate. He had never tasted seafood as good in a long while.

They sat on a small table in the _dampa_ which was right next to the sea wall. It was a simple set-up made of wood and pieces of tarpaulin stitched together. While it was a far cry from what Josh had been used to, there was something about eating cheap and fresh seafood while enjoying the breeze and the chatter of common folk that was charming. Josh felt light. Like he could stay there just being in the moment and forget about his worries.

He must have looked like he was really enjoying because Ken was laughing as he watched him. Ken stretched his arm out to Josh.

“What?” Josh asked him, an eyebrow raised. He didn’t appreciate being laughed at by someone who, by his estimate, was younger.

“Your sleeves will get dirty,” he said, noticing how Josh’s long-sleeved shirt kept touching the food.

Josh pulled back, lobster in his hand. “It’s fine! Don’t touch my sleeve. And _keep away from my lobster_!” Ken laughed again. “What the heck are you laughing at?”

Ken shook his head and looked at his food. “ _Nothing_.”

“No, go ahead! Say it,” he challenged.

Ken kept looking down, a smile on his lips that made his eyes crinkle. “…You’re _cute_.”

“ _Gago_ ,” Josh sputtered, almost choking on his rice. “Call me cute one more time and I’ll push you over the sea wall.”

“’S okay. I can swim.” Ken was smiling at him, radiant.

“You’re shameless. Just keep eating. I’m going to ignore you.”

But he _wasn’t_ able to ignore Ken. Not when he was smiling brightly the whole time.

* * *

“I hope you’re not too full,” Ken said, still looking at Josh with an amused expression.

“Too late because… I think I ate too much,” Josh said. “It was… really good.”

Ken laughed. “Still have some space for coffee?”

“I’m an insomniac writer who lives off coffee. What do you think?” Josh asked him with a straight face, which eventually turned into a teasing smile.

The two of them drove again, this time a much shorter distance. They traveled along the wide coastal road. The peace and quiet as they drove had a very calming effect on Josh, his eyes almost closing over themselves. Good thing his fear of dying by vehicular accidents woke him up, and he hooked his hands over Ken’s shoulders.

Josh was still a bit sleepy when Ken veered off the main road and into a narrow path. Their destination was a building perched on top of a small hill. While Ken parked his motorcycle, Josh stared at the structure in front of him. It was a rustic two-storey house made up of bricks and varnished wood that reminded Josh of cabins in Baguio City. It was colored dark brown, with some beige and bright red. There was a chimney on the roof that didn’t seem functional but added to its charm. At the front, there was a sign that said ‘ _Kape Ta_ ***** ’.

The interior was much like the exterior: bricks, varnished wood, dark brown, red, and beige. A counter and a pastry showcase faced the main door, greeting guests as they walk in. To the counter’s right was a wooden staircase that led up to the second floor. Tables lined the narrow hallway to the left of the counter. They were wooden and irregularly shaped. As if they were just cut-up stumps nailed together to make furniture.

Josh thought it was strange but weirdly homey. All the sleepiness left him as he felt revived. The best part, in Josh’s opinion, was that there were piles and stacks of books _everywhere_. The entire room smelled like coffee and old books, two of his most favorite scents in the world.

The café was half-full, with most of the guests being foreigners, so the two of them chose a vacant seat in the back corner. The walls there were made up of glass from floor to ceiling, giving the guests a view of a garden, the coastal road, and the ocean. They settled themselves in that corner spot after paying for their orders. Or, Josh paid because Ken was given a free drink.

“This… is _beautiful_ ,” Josh whispered, looking out into the ocean.

“Yeah… yeah, it’s beautiful,” his companion replied, looking at him.

Josh looked away when their eyes met. “How’d you know about this place?”

“Ours is a small community. Everyone knows everyone. The owner of this place—good friend of mine, gives me free coffee _all the time_ —came back from abroad with his wife to settle down. This building used to be an ancestral house that their family owned. But they didn’t want to live in it so he turned this place into a coffee shop. And he was a big bookworm so… as you can see… This place has about half of his collection.”

Josh gaped. The books around him were varied: classics, contemporary pieces, hardbound, paperback, Filipiniana, some books in foreign texts. If this was just _half_ his collection, what kind of paradise was his entire library? Josh felt like he was five again and it was the first time he had been taken to the ball pit. His eyes darted from pile to pile excitedly.

“Thanks for taking me here, Ken,” he said with as much genuineness as he could. Ken only hid his smile behind his fist and looked away, not replying.

Josh immediately dived right into one of the book piles nearby. He settled for an old but well-kept copy of Walt Whitman’s _Leaves of Grass_ and started reading. He had been so engrossed in reading that his mouth kept missing the coffee cup’s lips. When Ken told him to be careful with the pages, he only ‘hmm’-ed, still completely immersed in Whitman’s poems. Ken mostly kept quiet across him.

“You look happy,” Ken said, causing Josh to look up at him. Josh blinked curiously. “You’ve been smiling this whole time.”

“Was I?” he asked, and only then noticed that his cheeks were starting to hurt. “Sorry… I just… I’ve always liked books… They make me happy.”

Ken took a sip of his iced coffee. He looked like he wanted to laugh, and Josh felt like laughing with him for no reason at all. “Is that why you became a writer?”

“I guess?” Josh replied. “I’ve always loved stories. And later on, I wanted to write my own… so here I am.”

“So… why are you having trouble now? Ran out of ideas?”

Josh sighed and stared at the ocean outside. “Not exactly… It’s more like… I’m scared? I feel like whatever I write wouldn’t be good enough… or _something_.”

His own words surprised him. Josh mentally scolded himself for revealing too much. It was his principle not to let anyone in if they didn’t seem the type to stay. Opening up to Ken, a stranger whom he will leave in a few days’ time, made it inappropriate to keep giving away pieces of himself.

“ _Anyway_ …” Josh started but didn’t continue. He just went back to reading the book.

But Ken kept staring. Josh could practically feel his gaze. Then he said, “I’d like to see your works one day…”

He looked up. There was a sincerity in the way Ken looked at him that made Josh feel shy all of a sudden.

“…You’re gonna have to start learning how to read then, _bro_.”

Ken laughed and shyly averted his gaze. “That’s… gonna be a challenge.”

“But you already know letters, right?”

“Yup.”

“So it’s like… just a matter of teaching you how to put them together… That was what you said the last time.”

Ken narrowed his eyes, doubtful. “Well… I don’t think it’s _that_ easy.”

“Oh, please…” he replied, dragging his chair so he was sitting beside Ken. Josh laid out _Leaves of Grass_ in front of him and pointed to the words. “I’ve seen a lot of dumb people who read my works all the time. If they can read it, I don’t see why someone with _your_ intelligence can’t.”

Ken blushed a little, but only kept staring.

Josh pointed to the page, choosing one of the easier words first. “What letters are these?”

“Are you being serious right now?”

Josh eyed him. “Yes.”

“Can’t you just read it to me?” he said, pouting.

“ _No_.”

“But I like listening to you read to me…”

“Nice try, but no,” Josh said and stabbed the page with his finger. “Now… what letters?”

Ken complained that not even the teachers he knew were that strict, but he followed Josh’s instructions anyway. Surprisingly, he was a very fast learner. He could string the sounds of simple words together quite well and listened attentively when Josh corrected him. He still couldn’t read the longer words or read some letters and kept making mistakes that would be expected from a toddler just learning to read. But he had a stubbornness that made him competitive. After a few hours, he could recognize more words and became better at ‘reading’.

“But I still don’t understand what I just said,” he said, forehead on the table. “ _It’s so hard to think_!!! I’m glad I didn’t go to school.”

Josh patted him on the head and laughed. “That’s okay. I think you made great progress.”

They ended their lessons at dusk. Josh wanted to stay until closing time, but Ken apparently had work to do at the resort. So Josh begrudgingly agreed, on the condition that Ken would take him back again, if they were both free. Ken was only too eager to agree.

As they drove back, Josh watched the sun set over the coast. For the first time in a long time, he felt peaceful. The things that tormented him before felt like miles away as they traveled along the road. Now, Josh’s head was filled with thoughts, ideas, and optimism… the feeling of excitement he always got right before writing a new manuscript. A feeling that he had missed.

Josh was deep in thought the entire trip back, and he didn’t even notice that they’ve arrived until Ken nudged him by the elbow.

Josh got off, stopping at the foot of the stairs up the terrace. Ken faced him tentatively.

“Did…?” he started off with a question, but then changed course and instead said, “I hope today helped you with your writing even a little bit.”

Josh nodded, shoving his hands in his pants pocket. His sleeves were dirty with soy sauce and coffee now, but why did that make him happy? “I really appreciate it, Ken… It helped a lot.”

Ken nodded, holding both helmets in his large hands. “That’s… good to hear.”

They stared at each other again—something that happened too often that day for Josh’s liking—and so he cleared his throat.

“Well, you should be getting to work,” he said and gave a friendly pat on Ken’s shoulder, but it only became an awkward punch. He pulled his hand back. “Uh… _goodbye_ , I guess.”

“ _Wait_ —”

“What?” Josh asked, already halfway turning to the cottage door. “You have a bad habit of stopping me when I’m about to leave. _Yes, Ken_? What can I do for you?”

Ken only laughed at him. “Sorry… I was just going to ask if it was okay… if it’s alright for me to come by sometime? I’d like to learn to read again… from you, I mean…”

_Oh, wow. Third date,_ Josh thought. Then he mentally scolded himself because it was _not_ a date.

“You can’t afford my talent fee, I think.”

Ken pulled a face. “Well, if this trip helps you write your next book, you kind of owe me a huge amount of money.”

“You _also_ said this would be free,” he said, narrowing his eyes. “ _Or was that a lie_?”

“Okay, okay. How about… in exchange for you teaching me to read, I’ll take you to the _Kape Ta_ as often as you like.”

Josh narrowed his eyes even more. It was an offer Ken knew he couldn’t refuse, after practically begging to be taken back to the coffee library.

“ _Deal_ ,” he said. “But you’d better practice. If you forget anything I taught you, _I’ll kill you_.”

“Ah, but can I… practice reading your works next time?”

“ _Oh_ …” There were butterflies in Josh’s stomach that demanded his attention. He ignored them. “Sure, I guess… That can be arranged.”

Josh started to turn around, but Ken stopped him again. He grabbed Josh’s wrist, the contact surprising Josh and he pulled his hand away.

“Wait, one last thing—”

“ _What now_?!” he asked.

Ken stared at him for a few seconds before slowly lowering his lips towards Josh’s. He stopped when they were inches away from each other. Neither of them breathed. Josh felt like Ken was asking for consent. And Josh wanted to give it to him—the butterflies in his stomach were begging for it.

But it wasn’t proper. In the first place, was Ken even gay? Second, did he know what kissing Josh meant? He seemed a little too young and a little too naïve to know what that action even implied. Third, would kissing him be appropriate? After all, they had already kissed once and Josh decided it was something that they needed to forget. His leaving in a few days didn’t help their situation either, if it _were_ to get serious.

Lastly, was Josh ready to _be_ attached? Was he ready for something serious?

Josh decided that the answer to all his questions was a resounding ‘no’. So he had to show some self-control, although it would be easier for him to drag Ken into the cottage with him.

_No_. Getting attached would be a mistake. He was already spending too much time with this stranger, and even agreeing to give him reading lessons. That would be enough. Josh should draw the line there because any closer would mean feelings. Feelings meant danger.

“I will break your nose if you kiss me. _I’m serious_ ,” he said, hoping the emphasis he tried putting in his voice was convincing enough.

Ken’s gaze made Josh feel like he was drowning in an ocean. His eyes looked a little sad, and Josh felt a little guilty. Instead of kissing him on the lips, Ken gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“ _Sorry_ … I’ll see you around then…” he said to the tone of a sad goodbye. Then he walked back to his motorcycle, revved up the engine, and drove off.

When he was gone, the strength in Josh’s knees left him. His heart pounded in his chest. And all that he could say to himself was ‘ _what the fuck_ ’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *kape ta – “magkape tayo”/ “let’s have coffee” in cebuano/bisaya
> 
> this is too much fluff for me. need more angst.


	5. swept away by surfer boy (part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cut this chapter in half because it became too long.
> 
> many thanks to R_ATIN for the consultation on many things………………………
> 
> chapter contains: fluff fluff fluff; heavy narrations; angst; mediocre + unproofed writing

**chapter four: swept away by surfer boy (part 1)**

“ _And it’s been two days_?!” Jun screamed over the phone. Josh had to put it a little further away so his eardrums wouldn’t pop. Maybe it was a wrong decision to tell Jun about Ken. Josh knew his friend would only throw a fit.

“Yes, it has. I haven’t seen him in two days. _Now_ can we talk about the ideas for my manuscript?”

It had been two days since Josh last saw Ken. Memories of that day kept playing in his head so often that it was almost unhealthy. It was probably the guilt of not ending the day on a lighter note, or the sadness in Ken’s eyes as he said goodbye that bothered him. Regardless, it was distracting Josh.

What good ideas that occurred to him that day went down the drain immediately after. All he could think about was how he should have apologized. Or how he should have explained himself.

He had planned on talking about it to Ken, but surfer boy didn’t show up at his doorstep anymore. And anywhere Josh went in the resort, it didn’t seem as if he was there. He doubted Ken had a phone, knowing he couldn’t read… and while Josh had seen his friends, it was too awkward to ask when he wasn’t in any position to ask about Ken.

So Josh spent the next two days agonizing over what had happened. His manuscript was still left unwritten, and Jun kept hounding him about it. When he finally told his friend about why he was distracted, Jun acted the way Josh expected: he turned into a nosy busybody.

“No, wait! Let’s talk about this Ken guy a little more,” he pleaded. “Oh, and Stell says ‘hi’— _Hi, Josh!_ ”

Josh rolled his eyes, not that Stell could see it. “Go away, Stell! This is Se-Josh time!”

“It’s weird that you have a name for our pairing. Anyway… _Of course_ , he’d be hurt. You rejected him! You just rejected the _only_ person who has gotten that close to you without getting pummeled!”

Josh put the phone between his ears and his elbow as he used one hand to open the door to his cottage while the other clutched his logbook and pen case. “Shut up. I don’t pummel everyone who gets too close.”

“You slapped that one lady before… I distinctly remember having to pacify her so she wouldn’t press charges.”

“ _She_ was getting handsy. _I_ should have been the one to press charges for _sexual harassment_.” Josh took a seat in front of the coffee table of the terrace and positioned himself so he had a good view of the beach. “And besides, I didn’t _reject_ Ken. I just… put in a little warning.”

“Geez, this is why you’re still single.”

“And _this_ is why I didn’t tell you about it right away. I knew you’d make a big deal out of it,” he complained. “Can we _please_ stop talking about this and get back to talking about work?”

“Well, I’m sorry for wanting a partner for my most beloved friend— _of course, I love you more, Stell_ ,” Jun said. “What are you even afraid of, Josh?”

Josh heaved a sigh. When Jun got persistent, he _got_ persistent. “ _Because_ , Se-Jun… I don’t _do_ one-night stands, okay? That was me in college, and it was a long time ago.”

“So… if he says he wants something serious, you’ll give him a chance?”

“You sound like a gossiping teenager, Jun. Listen to yourself!”

“Answer the question, _Joshua_!”

“ _Screw you_! I told you not to call me that,” Josh exclaimed, cringing at the sound of his given name. “Fine! If it gets you to shut up and _actually_ start talking about my manuscript… _No_ , I _wouldn’t_. Because he has a good life here and I have my own life in Manila. I won’t ruin that for him or for myself. _Happy_?”

Jun was quiet for a little while. He heaved a sigh and eventually said, “It’s so hard to talk you out of your illogical thoughts. You won’t know if you don’t give it a chance, you know?”

Then, he added, “And I think deep inside, you know you want to take a risk, too. You’re just too scared to actually try… Okay, we’ll talk about the manuscript now.”

But as soon as they stopped talking about Ken, Josh’s own mind betrayed him. Half his conscious was talking about his manuscript with Jun, but the other half kept pining for the surfer boy with the wonky-toothed smile.

His mind kept replaying details about Ken. How his lips felt on his that time they _did_ kiss. How it tasted bitter with alcohol. How he smelled strongly of the sea. How he blushed when Josh told him he was smart—because he _is_. Eventually, Josh lost his will to continue talking about his manuscript and ended the phone call. Jun let him, noticing how distracted he was, but made him promise to get something done by the end of the day.

* * *

When it was already lunch time and he still hasn’t written anything, Josh decided that a change of location might help. He moved out of the cottage to the beach-side picnic tables and decided to keep writing there. The resort was a little deserted, so Josh took the opportunity to have some peace and quiet.

It was too hot that noon, and it wasn’t just because Josh was wearing his usual long-sleeved top. Weather forecasts had predicted dry and hot weather, and only a few people dared to go sunbathing and swimming. Even the surfers had started to give up on riding the waves and were making their way back to shore. But the sea, as always, remained mesmerizing. It sparkled under the sunlight.

_The change is nice_ , Josh thought. It temporarily stopped him from ruminating about Ken. Everything had happened so fast his first two days that Josh’s head couldn’t keep his heart in check. If it went on, he would have been swept away. So at least Josh had a little time alone to gather his bearings and rein in his emotions again.

Cracking his knuckles, he dove in to start an outline for his manuscript. He tried to focus on his writing while munching on the sandwiches he ordered for lunch. In no time, he had written down a few good ideas.

Josh was just getting in a good momentum when someone stood nearby and cast a shadow over his logbook. He paused then looked up. What he saw was an image that was immediately burned into his memory. He almost choked on his sandwich.

Surfer boy Ken stood there next to him. His wet hair was combed back, the teal strands at the back sticking to his neck. The water that dripped from his hair fell on his bare chest, his stomach that was a little chubby— _turn away, Josh,_ he commanded—and soaked his board shorts. Ken brought with him a black-and-red surfboard, which he carried in his well-toned arms.

Suddenly, everything hit Josh like a wrecking ball. His eyes, his nose, his lips, his skin. Josh drank in every detail of the man in front of him like he was a thirsty man in the desert. Josh was left stunned.

It took every bit of decency Josh still had to keep his gaze up on Ken’s face rather than the rest of him. Josh decided he would rather die being blinded by this boy’s smile than bursting into flames because seeing Ken like that after two days without him was too much.

“ _Hey_ …” He beamed like Josh was his favorite person.

Josh felt his throat get a little dry and he swallowed. He had to remind himself to breathe. “Oh, it—it’s you.”

“What do you mean ‘ _oh, it’s you_ ’?” Ken asked, frowning a little.

Josh didn’t answer when he noticed that the corner of Ken’s lip had a bruise that was barely there. Instead, he reached up to touch the slightly purplish patch of skin. “You’re bruised,” he commented. “What happened?”

“Oh, uh… _nothing_. I tripped and fell, ‘s all.” He took Josh’s wrist in his hand and smiled again. The water dampened Josh’s sleeve, Ken’s digits ghosting over the scars.

“You should be more careful,” Josh said as he carefully pulled his hand back from Ken’s grasp. “What have you been up to anyway?”

“Uhm, work,” Ken answered in a way that told Josh he was hiding something. But Josh knew better than to pry. “I can see that you’re writing again.”

“Oh… yeah. I just started today.”

“That… that’s great, Josh,” Ken said. “I’m glad you’re getting back to it. I guess… you’ll be busy now, huh?”

Josh scratched his chin and grimaced. “Well, it’s only the beginning, so not exactly. Most of the time, I’ll just be staring into space thinking what to write next.”

Ken was looking at him, not talking. Like he was gauging Josh’s reactions. He continued to do this until it became awkward.

“Did you need something?” Josh asked, feeling shy under Ken’s gaze.

“I just, uh… I was wondering if you’re too busy to teach me. But, uhm… only if you’re okay with that?”

_Of course, he’d be hurt_ , Jun’s voice rang in Josh’s head. _You rejected him._ He bit his lip and looked down in his writings.

“I… guess. I could spare some time for it,” he replied and tried to give Ken his most apologetic smile. “As uhm… to make up for the last time.”

Ken smiled in reply. He plopped down on the seat next to Josh, splashing a few drops of water on Josh’s clothes. “Great! Do I get to practice with your books this time?”

“ _Hey_ , _hey_ , _hey_! You’re getting water all over me!”

And as soon as Ken sat down, it was as if the two days without him never happened and he easily slotted into Josh’s life again.

* * *

Josh had already noticed it before, but Ken was highly intelligent. It was that or Josh was a great teacher. Regardless, he was learning at a faster pace than one would expect from an adult only learning to read.

The two had moved back to the terrace to get shelter from the heat. Josh had brought out some of his own works for Ken to practice reading with. Ken had mostly retained what Josh taught him the last time, and his eagerness matched the speed of his progress.

Ken improved a lot, although he still didn’t read that quickly or know all the words. Not only did he learn to read more, but he started practicing how to write, too. Josh had never felt proud of anyone besides Jun, but Ken was a surprising exception.

“This is great,” Josh exclaimed when Ken successfully read two sentences. “Alright, since you’re doing well, I’ll give you a reward. What do you want?”

Ken only looked at Josh for a little while. Again, gauging his reaction. Then he beamed at him and said, “Can you read to me? I like listening to you read.”

Josh blushed at his shameless remark. “You are embarrassing, you know that?”

Ken only laughed, but Josh didn’t complain.

“Fine. Which book do you want me to read?” he asked.

Ken regarded the small collection of Josh’s books on the coffee table. Josh had taken out his most recent works as they were in the best condition.

“It’s not here…” Ken said.

“What isn’t?”

“ _That book_ ,” he replied. “The old one with the light blue cover? The one you lost last time.”

“Oh… But that one’s pretty old and worn out, though.”

“Yeah, I know. I just wanted to listen to what you wrote when you were still starting,” Ken said. “These newer ones look a little bit scary to me.”

Josh chuckled. “ _Scary_?”

Ken nodded. “Yeah… I dunno. It’s kind of like… they look a little sad.” He looked up at Josh with searching eyes that sought an answer.

“Probably because… they’re written by a more depressed version of me,” Josh said, standing up.

“Hey, wait…” Ken grabbed his hand to stop him from leaving. “Did I say something wrong?”

Josh smiled at him. Then he pinched Ken’s nose. “Don’t worry, I’m not _that_ sensitive. I’ll just get the book. It’s inside.”

It felt nostalgic, reading from one of his older works. He was still young and eager then. As he read, there were a lot of mistakes that he noticed. Things he wrote then that he wouldn’t have written that way if it were the present him that was writing. There were even some cringe-worthy scenes and dialogues that made Josh want to slap the younger him for being so sappy.

But Ken listened attentively as Josh read, anyway. There were inappropriate funny scenes here and there which Josh thought should have been edited out. But they made Ken laugh out loud, so in a way he was thankful that they weren’t.

“I wish…” Ken said once Josh finished reading a chapter, his voice trailing off.

“Hm?”

He shook his head. “I was just thinking… what would have been if I met the you who wrote that book.”

“ _Ah_ … you wouldn’t have liked him,” Josh said, chuckling. “I was very abrasive back then. Even more than I am now.”

Ken looked him in the eyes, a tiny smirk on his lips. “I think I would have, though. I still would have liked you then…”

They stared at each other. Josh swallowed and turned his gaze, his heart steadily beating faster.

For the lack of an appropriate response, he just mumbled, “Hm…”

Ken laughed at him, putting his hand on Josh’s head and ruffling his hair. “Anyway, I’d better go to work now. Thanks for today.” Ken stood up, grabbed his surfboard, and started to walk away.

“Ken, wait—”

Ken turned, a smile gracing his lips. “Is it your turn to stop me from leaving?”

“ _Shut up_ ,” Josh started. “I just… _Sorry_ … for the last time.”

Ken held up an ‘okay’ sign to him. “I get it. No need to say sorry.”

Josh nodded and watched Ken walk away… only for him to turn back around again.

“Josh…”

“Yes?” Josh’s voice felt a little bit choked in his throat.

“I can come back tomorrow, right?” he asked. “And you’ll still teach me?”

Josh smiled and nodded. “Yeah… Come whenever.”

Over the next three days, Ken came by without fail. Josh’s time was spent writing drafts and spending time with him in the terrace. ‘Spending time’ because often, Ken would just watch Josh immerse in writing, so he would practice reading by himself. And every time Josh felt stumped, Ken was there to take him to _Kape Ta_ or just walk along the shore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. i don’t think josh’s full name is joshua. but i went with it anyway  
> 2\. sorry. feels like a filler chap but the next one will be important.  
> 3\. rating goes up in the next chapter.


	6. swept away by surfer boy (part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed the rating to ‘e’ for safety, because of scenes i had written to move the plot along. minors do not interact.
> 
> this will be as ‘e’ as i am capable of writing. note that i am not good at writing these scenes, but i tried. you have been warned. 
> 
> many thanks to R_ATIN for the consultation on the rating and the m/e writing. thank you thank you thank you!
> 
> also, don’t just jump over cliffs. don't try this at home.
> 
> warnings: very long chapter; cursing; heavy narrations; lots of angst; badly written scene(s) that teeters between ‘m’ and ‘e’; and, as always, mediocre + unproofed writing

**chapter five: swept away by surfer boy (part 2)**

The sky was downcast on the third day. Light gray clouds were starting to form some distance from the horizon. Ken was again lounging on the terrace, having the day off from work. Josh, on the other hand, had his head on the table desperately trying to add more to his initial draft.

“You okay?” Ken asked, concerned. He poked Josh’s crown with one finger, earning an annoyed groan from him.

“I’m… out of ideas for now. But… Jun needs me to submit something by tonight…!” Josh replied, not looking up. He started banging his head softly on the wooden coffee table out of frustration.

Ken put his hand on Josh’s reddening forehead to keep him from his behavior and chuckled. “Don’t do that. You’ll bust your brains out.”

Josh sat up and removed Ken’s hand from his forehead. “Jun will bust my brains out anyway if I don’t submit a draft.”

Ken looked at the clouds, thought for a bit, then looked back to Josh. “It’s not raining yet, so I think we have time. Do you want to go for a quick trip? It might help…”

“Quick trip? Where to?”

Ken only smiled as he stood up and gestured for Josh to do the same. “Somewhere special.”

Ken didn’t explain anything at all, but Josh trusted that he wouldn’t take Josh anywhere to shoot him and leave him to die. So when Ken told him to hop on to his motorcycle, Josh obeyed.

They traveled for some time before Ken started going off the highway. The sky had grown a little bit darker as they drove. Ken went up on an uphill climb that Josh wasn’t familiar with. It was far from the main road, and there was no path. Ken just kept going across a grassy and rocky incline, Josh gripping the metal for dear life.

Eventually, Ken stopped the motorcycle on a clearing that was on top of a low cliff. It was a view that overlooked the resort. From that vantage point, Josh could see the thick canopy of trees that lay deeper into the island, which turned into palm trees and coconuts closer to shore. On the other side was the vast expanse of the ocean, which looked dark blue as the thick gray clouds hovered over it. In the distance, Josh could see that it was already raining over the water.

On another day, if it were sunny, Josh was sure it would have been a marvel. But there was also something about the gloominess that made him think melancholy also had its own beauty.

Ken stood next to him, some distance over the edge of the cliff. “This is my favorite place in the island. I often come here to think or just watch the waves.”

“It’s beautiful,” Josh said. “I can see why you like it here. It’s very peaceful.”

“Yup. Nobody lives around here,” Ken said. “So sometimes, I just scream all my worries to the sky. It helps when I’m stressed out or when a lot of shit happens.”

Josh snorted. “Kind of like that movie? You know, ‘That Thing Called _Tadhana_ ’?”

Ken shrugged. “I haven’t watched it yet. But… do you want to try?”

“Try what?”

“Shouting.”

“ _What_.”

“Haha, go ahead. I won’t judge.”

“Uh, _no_ …” Josh said, raising both his hands over his chest for emphasis.

“Go on, just try it. You don’t need to say anything smart. Just—” Ken took in a deep breath and bellowed. The sky seemed to applaud as thunder clapped in the distance. “ _Like that_.”

Josh laughed. He had never had a loud voice, and he doesn’t usually scream. But Ken being there made him feel a little brave, a little giddy, and a little bit daring. Josh took a deep breath, braced himself, and screamed to the gloomy sky.

“ _I HATE THE WORLD_!”

Ken chuckled, which turned into a laughing fit. “ _JOSH HATES THE FUCKING WORLD_!”

Josh laughed with him. “ _AND I HATE MY DEMANDING PUBLISHERS! I HATE MY STUPID CRITICS! I JUST WANT TO WRITE STORIES THAT_ I _WANT TO WRITE. FUCK YOUR SALES REPORTS! FUCK YOUR STUPID BOOK REVIEWS! YOU HARD-TO-PLEASE, TALENTLESS MOTHERFUCKERS_!”

There was something liberating about getting it out of his chest and screaming his lungs out that made Josh tear up a little. He had been thinking about it for a while, but for the past few years he had been pressured to ‘write this’, ‘write that’ or ‘don’t write this’. It had been all about profit, making sure reviewers were pleased, until he slowly sold his muse to the devil.

His writing became a job, rather than his passion. The characters who used to be his close friends became strangers and unwelcome guests. His muse no longer sang to him, and he kept writing for other people. The publishers, the readers, the reviewers, and sometimes even Jun would pressure him to write until he didn’t know what he was writing anymore… until he eventually learned to despise it. What used to be his reason for living turned into the tormentor of his life.

But as he looked at Ken, standing there just laughing without a care in the world, Josh remembered that he had been like that once. Passionate, looking at the world with wide-eyed wonder. That was the time when life was beautiful, and Josh had been writing for himself.

As he watched Ken stare over the horizon, Josh couldn’t help but envy his carefree life. Perhaps, if Josh took it one day at a time, he would be like that, too? It wasn’t too late, was it? To turn his life around? That even if he was marked by scars on his wrists to remind him that his life had sucked, maybe he would heal in time, too.

Ken looked like he could read Josh’s thoughts with a single glance. Josh turned his gaze away, and he rubbed his eyes to keep the tears from escaping. They didn’t talk, just stood there in companionate silence.

Suddenly, Ken took his shirt off and started unbuckling his pants. Josh could only mutter ‘ _what the fuck_ ’ as he stripped down to his border shorts. Then, he kicked his shoes out of the way.

“Ken, what are you doing?” Josh asked nervously when Ken walked a few steps back.

Ken didn’t reply. He only beamed brightly at Josh as he started to run… and then he jumped over the cliff.

“ _OH, MY GOSH_! _KEN_!!!” Josh yelled, trying to catch him but failing. Ken had already jumped over and Josh couldn’t hold on to him. Josh’s heart started beating fast and he ran to peer over the edge, not minding the fact that he was scared out of his own skin.

There was a loud splash, and Ken went under.

“ _Ken_?! _Ken, where are you_?!” Josh kept yelling.

Ken resurfaced after a short while, the slightly strong waves rocking him back and forth in the water. He was laughing as he wiped his face and looked up at Josh, smile still bright despite the darkness of the sky.

“ _KEN, YOU IDIOT—Do you know how scared I was_?!”

“Come on!” Ken said, waving one hand at Josh. “ _Geez, the water is cold_!”

“ _Well, who told you to jump_?! _Get out of there_!”

“I’ll come back up if you jump after me!”

Josh pulled his hair in frustration. His heart was still hammering in his chest. “ _Fuck you, I don’t know how to swim_!”

Ken laughed at him. It was a mocking laugh, which turned into a gentle and reassuring smile. “I’ll catch you!”

“ _No way_!”

“Come on, Josh! Live a little! There are no cliffs in Manila!”

“ _But there are hospitals in Manila_!” Josh replied. He was trembling a little, and he knelt over the cliff. “Come on, Ken! _Please_! Come back up!”

Ken stubbornly shook his head. “Not until you come down here and get me!”

_Oh, for the love of—_! Ken’s stubbornness reminded Josh of Jun whenever he wanted to be nosy. There was no hope of reasoning with him, and Josh _always_ lets him get away with what he wants.

Josh took off his shoes and threw them aside. “Y-You’d better catch me, _damn you_! _I’m serious about not knowing how to swim_! If I drown and die, I’ll haunt you _and your entire family_!”

Ken spread his hands, as if welcoming him. “I promise I’ll catch you!”

_Fuckfuckfuckfuck_ , Josh cursed as he willed his legs to walk farther from the edge. He didn’t know if the pounding of his heart meant he was scared or if he was excited.

But Ken said he’d catch him. And he trusted Ken. Josh took a deep breath.

_Just don’t bash your head into a rock_ , he commanded. Then he started to run. The wind was cold against his face, and when he jumped it was freezing cold. Josh’s mind went blank as he kept falling, looking straight at Ken who smiled encouragingly at him.

He hit the water with a loud splash. The cold bit into his skin. Sea water got into his nose and his eyes, making his vision blurry. Josh panicked when he wasn’t reaching the surface. He floundered in the water, hoping the motion would accomplish _something_.

But then he felt Ken’s hands grabbing him, hooking on his armpits, and pulling him. When they resurfaced, Josh choked out the water that had gone into his nose and mouth. He clung to whatever he could cling to for dear life. Josh found himself holding tightly to Ken’s neck, embracing him, as the waves rocked them both back and forth in the water.

Ken patted him in the back. “Hey, _good job_ ,” he said. “You jumped.”

Josh wiped his face and choked some more. His heart was still beating in his chest. But there was another that beat alongside his. Ken’s heartbeat was steady and calm, and Josh could feel it as their bodies pressed tightly together.

“D- _Damn you_ ,” Josh said, his teeth chattering in the cold. But heat started to rise to his neck and his face when he realized that Ken’s lips were almost kissing his ear. “ _Fuck_ , it’s c-cold.”

Ken chuckled. Josh could feel his laughter vibrate in his chest. Ken kept one hand wading in the water, while one hand had a firm grip across Josh’s back. Josh had no idea how long they stayed like that, but all he knew was he was holding on to Ken’s warm body, hiding his face at the crook of Ken’s neck.

“Josh?” Ken whispered, imploring, his voice right next to Josh’s ear. His breath was warm as he exhaled.

Josh kept his face hidden. “What?”

“Look at me, please?” Ken’s lips were touching his ear now. Josh couldn’t help but gasp as electricity went up his spine, ticking the right side of his neck.

Josh vigorously shook his head. “L-Let’s go back up. I’m… I’m g-getting cold.”

Ken heaved a resigned sigh and kissed between the inside of Josh’s ear and his cheek. Josh just turned a darker shade of red but was too embarrassed and too scared to let go to do anything.

“Alright…” Ken said, his voice deep and somber. “Let’s get you back…”

* * *

The two of them were quiet the whole ride. It was cold, and Josh was freezing to the bone. Ken was, too. To make matters worse, it had started to rain as they traveled back to Josh’s cottage.

The rain picked up and the wind gained momentum halfway through the ride. When they arrived, they were soaked all the way. Even the terrace was no good for shelter as the onslaught of rain showered into it. Josh and Ken waddled their way into the cottage, a temporary shelter from the cold.

“G-Go inside,” Josh said, teeth chattering. He hugged himself, his clothes acting like a cold and wet blanket that didn’t help him at all.

Ken nodded, also shivering. “Sorry for the intrusion,” he said and went inside.

While Ken stayed in one corner of the room, trying not to get anything wet, Josh went to the bathroom. He quickly rid himself of his wet clothing and wore a fluffy, warm robe. Then, he grabbed a towel for Ken.

“You… you’re all packed,” Ken said, trying to warm himself by wrapping his arms around his body. He was still trembling as he gestured to Josh’s suitcase and bags in front of the dresser.

“Uh, yeah… I’m leaving tomorrow, so…” Josh handed the towel to Ken, and he didn’t miss the way Ken’s eyes looked a little lonely right then. “You can dry up in the bathroom. There are robes there. I’ll… look for a shirt that fits you.”

Ken nodded and wordlessly made his way to the bathroom.

As Josh started to rummage through his luggage for clothes, he kept thinking about the way Ken looked at him. He looked sad. Was it because Josh was leaving? Guilt pinched at Josh’s chest. Maybe he should have told Ken that he was set to leave.

Ken got out of the bathroom wearing one of the bathrobes. He sat awkwardly at the edge of Josh’s mattress, quiet. Suddenly, the room felt too small and too silent for Josh, even if it rained heavily outside.

Josh tried to lighten up his mood. “Hey… don’t tell me you’re sad because I’m leaving? You should be relieved. No one will bother you anymore.” He laughed and stood in front of Ken.

Josh patted Ken’s hair. “C’mon, don’t make that face. You’re making me feel bad.”

Ken stared up at him. His eyes were the most pained and lonely Josh had seen them in the week they had known each other. Josh wanted to wipe them off and put back the sparkle in them, but he didn’t know how.

“ _I like you_ ,” he said all of a sudden, eyes locked on Josh.

Josh blinked at him, the confession resounding so loudly when it barely came out as a desperate whisper. And he kept staring, waiting for an answer.

“You don’t know what you’re saying,” Josh said and took a step back— _don’t look so sad, please_.

But Ken grabbed his wrists—his scarred wrists—and kept looking at him in the eyes. “I may not know a lot… but I _know_ I like you.”

“Ken…” Josh said and peeled his hand off Ken’s grip. He had never liked it when people touched or stared at his scars. “Ken, you _do_ realize I’m a man?”

“I know. So?”

“You— _argh_!” Josh said, frustrated. He took another step back and leaned on the dresser that was right behind him. “You’re _confused_. You’ve been spending too much time with me that you think this is something that it _isn’t_ …”

Ken looked like he wasn’t listening to anything Josh was saying. “I like you. Is there something wrong with that?”

“ _Yes_!” Josh exclaimed. His heart was beating loudly in his chest again. “You’re _young—_ ”

“Not _that_ much younger than you.”

“And you can have a good life here! With a woman! Ken, I’m not—I’m not good for you, okay? I’m—” Josh ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “I’m just a random, washed up _guy_ who happened to fit your fantasies. But I’m not staying here. You know that, right? Nothing good would come out of… _whatever this is_.”

“ _Josh_ ,” Ken said and pulled him closer, grabbing his wrists again. Ken regarded the multiple white lines on etched on his skin and caressed them with his thumb. Then, he looked up at Josh. “ _I like you_ … I only want to know if you like me, too… Can you answer that first?”

Josh exhaled, defeated. Then he nodded. “Yeah… Yeah, I like you, too.”

Ken smiled. There was a little bit of that sparkle in his eyes, but they weren’t completely happy. Josh put one hand on his cheek, Ken still not letting go of his wrist.

“Why the heck do you even look this sad? You’d think you’re losing someone special.”

Ken chuckled and kissed the inside of Josh’s wrists. Kissing his scars. His wounds. “You _are_ special. Why don’t you see that?”

Ken kept kissing the lines, whispering words of worship to them as if his prayers would make them go away. Josh’s heart pounded in his chest, frozen in shock… because nobody had ever been that gentle with him.

Ever so slowly, Josh could feel himself getting swept away by the tide. He pulled Ken in for a hug. Ken rested his head over Josh’s chest. How could he let this one go now? He _had_ to leave, and he couldn’t ask Ken to go with him.

That meant they only had that night.

Josh inhaled deeply, fully surrendering himself to the torrents that he had been fighting against for the past week. Heart pounding in his chest, he stared down to see that Ken’s eyes had tears in them. _What a baby_.

“Hey, don’t cry… You’re not five anymore.”

“S-Sorry,” he said. “I just… didn’t realize you were leaving tomorrow. This is the first time I’ve liked someone this much. I like you. I like you. _I like you_.”

_Shit_ , Josh thought and his heart exploded with a quiet celebration. The rain outside became stronger, mirroring the tidal wave that was Ken sweeping Josh away.

Josh smiled, leaned down so his forehead was touching Ken’s, and said, “Sorry, you like someone this difficult.”

Ken smiled brightly. The smile that fit him most. He cupped Josh’s face in his hands and asked, “You won’t punch me if I kiss you, right?”

Josh gave him a quick peck in reply. “Just for tonight.”

Josh kissed Ken gently. Ken’s hands slid down to hang loosely on Josh’s waist. They stayed that way for a moment before Josh eventually deepened the kiss. Ken groaned when Josh playfully teased him. Biting, nibbling, prodding. He gasped, chasing his breath. Ken pulled Josh closer while Josh put his knees on the mattress, trapping Ken between his legs.

“ _Wait, wait_ ,” Ken whispered, breaking their kiss. “My neck hurts.”

Josh laughed loudly, breaking the sultry mood a little bit. “Sorry.” Josh planted a gentle kiss on Ken’s lips again before pushing him on the bed so he was lying on his back. “You don’t know how to do this, do you?”

Ken looked away. “ _No_.”

Josh touched his forehead on Ken’s chest and chuckled. “I figured.”

“ _Don’t laugh_ …!”

“Not making fun of you, Ken,” Josh explained. “I just think it’s cute, that’s all.”

Josh started kissing him again. This time, Ken was the one who deepened it, needy. Josh smiled as Ken encircled his arms across Josh’s back to pull their bodies closer.

Josh trailed kisses along Ken’s jaw, his neck, and his chest. It was his turn to worship Ken’s body, now… as he had always wanted to do the moment he saw Ken again after two days without him.

He let his hands explore the ridges and curves of Ken’s body. Josh kept their eyes locked on each other as he kissed down his chest… his stomach… his navel. He was pleased with the way Ken watched in anticipation as he kept going downward. Josh had always thought the way Ken’s eyes sparkled when he smiled was the best; apparently, it was nothing compared to them being filled with lust.

Ken remained quiet as Josh continued with his movements. He only watched as Josh peppered kisses all over his torso. And when Josh uncovered the robe that hid the lower half of his body, Ken leaned on his elbow to see what Josh would do.

He observed, watched as Josh admire him before taking him whole. He didn’t speak, didn’t comment while Josh started moving, eyes still staring intensely at him. The only time Ken broke eye contact was when he threw his head back, drowning in the sensation Josh was giving to him.

Ken let out a loud groan, his hands grabbing fistfuls of the blanket for some sort of grip. Josh loved the way he seemed to be enjoying himself. And when he started whispering Josh’s name, Josh responded by moving faster… and faster… until Ken’s hips moved erratically on their own.

“ _Ugh, shit_ —!” Ken cried as he came the first time. Josh watched as he lost the strength on his elbows and he fell on the bed, catching his breath. He put his arm over his head, trying to hide his face. But he stared as Josh put on a show by licking his lips.

Josh climbed over Ken, giving him a teasing smile. “You _can’t_ be tired already…?”

Ken peeked from under his arm, cheeks and ears bright red. “Go easy on me, alright?”

_Cute_ , Josh thought.

Ken’s eyes hooded over with lust. Josh couldn’t help but kiss him again. They shared the bitter aftertaste of Ken’s seed; slowly at first then, Ken tentatively prodded with his tongue. Josh let him explore the inside of his mouth and groaned when Ken nibbled on his lower lip.

Getting even bolder, Ken’s hands dared to untie Josh’s bathrobe. His hands roamed over Josh’s skin, cold and trembling, greedy as he tried to touch everything.

Josh realized that even in sex Ken was an eager learner. Up until then, he was still observing, experimenting. But when he started initiating, Josh thought it to mean he had learned enough and was ready to do things on his own. It was exactly like when Josh had taught him to read.

Without warning, Ken grabbed Josh by the shoulder and pushed him down on the bed a little too roughly. Josh groaned when his head hit the mattress.

“S-Sorry, was that too hard?” he asked, now hovering over Josh on the bed.

“No worries,” Josh said, the back of his hand gently caressing Ken’s face. “I’m fine.”

Ken exhaled, putting his forehead on Josh’s shoulder as if to calm himself. Then he kissed Josh’s jaw, his cheek, and finally his lips.

“I know… this is a strange thing to ask but… _Teach me_?” he pleaded into Josh’s ear. It was so adorable.

Josh only smiled to himself, nodding. Then he started with his instructions.

* * *

It had been a while. Josh had almost forgotten how good it hurt. Pretty soon, it would feel better; but in the meantime, he let himself drown in the sensation of Ken filling him, moving with a shy rhythm.

If only it were possible to put this man in his pocket and take him away. But that would be selfish.

So Josh hooked both his legs over Ken’s waist, pulling him closer, tighter. Ken responded by pushing into him deeper, faster, more desperate.

Josh buried his head at the crook of Ken’s neck and blinked back the tears that fell involuntarily. Ken didn’t need to see. He didn’t need to know. _Just for tonight_ , he thought to himself. Just for tonight, he let himself be loved.

* * *

It was still dark outside when Josh opened his heavy eyes. He blinked several times to make sure he was awake. As he breathed, he became aware of the arm that was splayed across his chest. Ken was still on top of him, sleeping and snoring slightly.

_He must be tired_ , Josh thought and smiled. For someone who lacked experience, Ken was… _exceptional_. And that coming from Josh, who had a lot of experience, was high praise.

Josh peeled himself from the young man’s embrace. Ken didn’t stir. Ken’s back had a lot of scratches, all Josh’s doing. His neck had a lot of coin-sized bruises, too. Hopefully, he wouldn’t have trouble explaining that.

Josh wasn’t blemish-free, either. Ken had bitten him in many places and marked him on the neck and chest a lot. And when Josh tried to sit up, his lower body protested with every move he made: a testament to Ken’s vigor and Josh’s needy lust. Ken had gotten a lot braver as the night went on. Halfway through, Josh was the one who was trying to keep up, being wrecked by the beautiful man sleeping on his bed.

But dawn was going to come to soon. Last night’s storm had passed, and a new day would come. Josh took his time bathing, getting dressed, and checking if his things were complete. When he was all set and Ken still hadn’t woken, Josh let himself stare at Ken for a little while longer, committing every detail of his sleeping face to memory.

“I… might love you… _I think_ ,” he whispered in Ken’s ear. He put a note in a place he was sure Ken would see, and kissed his forehead one last time. Then he left, not bothering to say goodbye… because he knew it would only make it harder to leave.

Even as Josh walked away, he knew Ken’s eyes would always stay with him wherever he went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm going to hide in a hole where no one will find me.  
> ken pov, anyone?


	7. scars and the sea (surfer boy’s story)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ken pov to chapters one to five because i can  
> read slowly, because this is long, but it will explain a lot
> 
> warnings: angst; heavy narrations; slight homophobia; two original characters you don’t even need to remember; badly-written m/e scene(s)

**chapter six: scars and the sea (surfer boy’s story)**

Ken didn’t like him at first. He was just another arrogant rich guest at the resort who looked at everyone else like they were scum. And when he punched Ken’s junior, Ken decided he _was_ just another arrogant rich guest… even if he _was_ beautiful for a man.

But it turned out that his junior had been rude. And even though Ken wanted to protect the young man who was assigned to him for training, there was no way Ken was going to let his behavior slide without consequences. So Ken let the manager scold him while he went looking for the guest to apologize.

That was when Ken found his book and his phone on the sun lounge. It kept ringing so loudly that Ken couldn’t ignore it for long.

Not knowing how the phone worked, Ken just swiped whatever and hoped it would get the phone to shut up.

“ _Josh Cullen Santos, you are in big trouble_!” said a voice on the other end of the line.

“Uhm, sorry. I’m an employee at this resort. The owner left his phone by the sun lounges. I can take it back to him if you can tell me where he is.”

“Oh, thank heavens!” he said. “I thought he’d done something stupid again. Thank you so much!”

“Is—Is there something wrong?” Ken asked, not able to rein in his curiosity.

“No… or at least, I’m not sure yet. He’s been through some tough times recently so I worry about him,” he replied. “Oh, no. Where are my manners? I’m John Paulo. Sorry, I didn’t introduce myself earlier.”

“No worries.” Ken looked around for the man he believed was the owner. The beautiful man with the wicked straight punch. “So, where is your friend? I mean, where is he staying at?”

“Cottage number five,” John Paulo told him. “God, I hope he’s not freaking out right now. Sorry, can I ask you to check on him every now and then? Help him out if it’s not too much trouble?”

Ken was a nice person, and John Paulo sounded like he really worried about the guy, so Ken could only say yes. “S-Sure… that’s fine. I work here anyway.”

“Thanks, man. That guy is lackluster, but he’s a great writer. He just… needs a little push.”

“Oh, a writer. Must be nice,” Ken said. “What’s his name again?”

Josh Cullen Santos of cottage number 5 had his head in his hands, sulking, when Ken arrived. He really _did_ seem like an arrogant, rich guest. But the happiness in his eyes as he grabbed his stuff made Ken feel warm inside.

The more they talked, the more Ken found himself intrigued by Josh Cullen Santos. First, because he was beautiful, which Ken had already noted the first time. Second, he was a writer. So he must be a learned man with lots of stories to tell. Third, there was a loneliness in his eyes that Ken was strangely attracted to.

_He really_ is _interesting_ , Ken thought to himself. He wanted to get to know Josh more, if it were allowed. So when the opportunity to invite him to the bonfire party came up, Ken immediately grabbed the chance.

* * *

Josh cried.

Ken wasn’t even trying, but Josh cried as Ken told a short version of his life story. People always cried for those they cared about. But for a complete stranger to cry because of another stranger’s story? It could only mean that they had a good heart.

Ken wanted to admire how beautiful Josh was under the moonlight, even if he _was_ crying a waterfall. But Ken was too stunned. He didn’t know what to do. He panicked.

How does someone stop another person from crying? _Shut them up_ , said an irrational voice in his head. So Ken did the first thing that came into his mind. Ken kissed Josh.

Ken kissed Josh, and Josh kissed back. Josh kissed back, and Ken found himself addicted to how this man tasted. Not that Ken had ‘tasted’ other men aside from him. Josh was sweet… and Ken couldn’t help but want more.

But Ken was a stranger, so Josh pulled back. And when he did, it made Ken a little bit sad.

Josh was flustered, which Ken thought was cute. The way he looked away shyly made Ken think that he enjoyed the kiss, even if Ken had _no idea_ what the heck he was doing.

“So you’re saying you didn’t like it?”

“Why don’t you shut up?” Josh replied. And something bubbled inside Ken’s chest… like a boiling pool of hot lava.

He wanted to see it more: everything Josh would do. It was such a strong urge that Ken wanted to see him again. So before Josh could walk away, Ken asked him out. Where to? Ken had no idea. But he would think about it once Josh said yes.

* * *

He _wasn’t_ an arrogant, rich guest. He was a beautiful, kind, and selfless man who got stars in his eyes when he saw things that interested him. Those lonely, lonely eyes sparkled with joy at lobsters, books, and the sunset. He was generous, too; not hesitating to teach Ken how to read.

And his _voice_ … Ken could listen to him talk and read forever. It was quickly becoming one of Ken’s favorite sounds.

Was it still normal to feel this way about another person? Josh was someone Ken barely knew, but he had not felt that way towards anyone before. Every time Ken saw him, all he wanted to do was listen to him talk, watch all the facial expressions he would make, kiss him senseless.

_Let me_ , Ken mentally pleaded as he waited for Josh to respond. _Let me, please_.

But Josh became scared and conflicted. Ken didn’t know if it was something he said or did, because then Josh said, “I will break your nose if you kiss me. I’m serious.”

Ken heard a strange ringing in his ear, like his fantasies shattering into a million pieces. Josh was effectively putting him at an arm’s length. _Let me in_ , Ken kept thinking. But Josh wasn’t letting his guard down.

Before he did something he might regret, Ken settled for a kiss on the cheek and walked away. He needed a drink… _a huge bottle of it_.

* * *

“Ugh, my head hurts,” Ken complained the next morning as he sat on the employee lounge of the resort. Two other staff members were there with him, his junior and an older employee.

“Did you go drinking last night? With whom?” his junior, Red, asked, putting one hand around his shoulder.

“Alone… I just needed some time by myself.”

“Girl troubles?” the older employee, Tip, asked.

“Not a girl,” Ken said, pulling his hair and groaning.

“ _What_?! What do you mean, _not a girl_?” Red asked, moving so he was eye-to-eye with Ken.

Ken squinted his eyes at Red. He was being obnoxious, and Ken didn’t appreciate it given his bad hangover. “Remember that guest who punched you? _That guy_.”

Ken practically saw Red’s face shift from shocked to incredulous to disgusted. It was kind of annoying, but Ken honestly just wanted to close his eyes and ignore it.

“That puny guest with the arrogant smirk?” he said. “He’s homo, isn’t he?”

A vein in Ken’s forehead pulsed as he registered the disgust in his junior’s voice. He opened his eyes to stare daggers at Red. “What do you mean?”

“Like… he’s a _fag_. By the looks of it, he’s probably got all sorts of diseases! You should stay away from—!”

But Red couldn’t finish his sentence because Ken immediately got up and tackled him to the ground. Ken landed two punches on his face while Red managed to get one good swing at Ken’s jaw before Tip intervened and pulled them away from each other.

“ _Badmouth him again and I will end you_ ,” Ken spat with no little amount of venom. Tip was still holding him back, his headache had gotten worse, the corner of his mouth was bleeding, but he was just so mad he wanted to punch Red again.

The manager arrived just in time to see his junior standing up from the floor and Tip trying to calm Ken down. As it was prohibited to start fist fights, Ken was suspended for two days and he was banned from going in the resort in the meantime.

* * *

Ken wasn’t good at thinking. But for the two days he had time off, all he could do was think. And as he thought, he slowly realized two things.

One, Josh was the complete opposite of Ken. He was successful, rich, handsome, and educated. He had the most beautiful smile, lovely eyes, and surprisingly small and delicate hands. With all of these qualities, Josh was out of his league.

Two, Ken liked Josh. It wasn’t the platonic brotherhood-type ‘like’. It was the romantic and passionate kind that made Ken want to know everything about him. And once Ken realized the second, he decided that he would worry about the overcoming the first later. Because he was pining for Josh, he wanted him so bad…

But Ken had to be patient. He would have to wait. And wait he did.

* * *

When he was finally back to work, Ken found Josh busily writing on one of the picnic tables. He didn’t even know what he was going to say or what he was going to do, but he just knew he had to approach. Nevermind that he was soaking wet and barely dressed.

“Hey,” he said. He could feel himself smiling too enthusiastically, but what the heck. After two days of not seeing him, Josh was finally in front of him close enough to touch.

_Cutie._ Ken didn’t miss the way Josh almost choked on his sandwich.

“Oh, it—it’s you,” Josh replied, glancing to the side. His voice calmed Ken’s rapidly beating heart.

“What do you mean ‘oh, it’s you’?”

Josh narrowed his eyes, looking at Ken’s face. Then, he reached up and touched the part Red had punched. He wondered if Josh felt the surge of electricity when their skin made contact. Because Ken’s skin buzzed where Josh touched.

“You’re bruised. What happened?”

That Josh cared about him made Ken’s heart flutter anew with hope. “Oh, uh… nothing. I tripped and fell, ‘s all.” Ken’s hand moved by itself and closed loosely on Josh’s wrist.

Josh twisted his hand away. “You should be more careful. What have you been up to anyway?”

Josh was still looking at his bruise, and Ken knew he wouldn’t be able to lie for long if Josh kept pushing. So he strayed from the topic and instead tried his luck again with spending more time with Josh.

“I… guess. I could spare time for it. As uhm… to make up for the last time.”

Josh gave him one of the toothy smiles that made Ken want to… he didn’t know. But he wanted to _do_ something.

_Patience, Ken. Patience,_ he kept repeating to himself. It wouldn’t do any good if he scared Josh away.

So while Josh was literally right next to him for the following days, even though Josh had let his guard down a little, despite the fact that it would be _so easy_ to barge in through the walls Josh built around himself… Ken settled for a longer wait.

* * *

Josh wasn’t just lonely. He was scared, too. And whenever Ken felt like that, he always went cliff-diving.

Ken didn’t know what kind of magic was at work, but somehow he got Josh to go with him to the cliff, scream his lungs out into the wind, and jump from a fifteen-foot drop into the ocean even if he didn’t know how to swim.

“Hey, good job. You jumped.” Ken told him, patting Josh on the back. Josh had both his arms around Ken’s neck tightly, slightly shivering due to the cold. The way his voice trembled as he fought the shivers was adorable.

Ken himself was freezing. But when he realized how close their bodies were together, a warmth welled up inside him. His chest bubbled with heat. If he didn’t need to keep them both afloat, he would probably have wrapped both his hands around Josh to pull him even closer.

Josh was so close but not close enough. Ken wanted to kiss him, touch him, love him.

_Let me,_ Ken pleaded again in his thoughts. “Look at me, please?”

But even then, Josh wouldn’t let him in. And still, Ken had to be patient.

* * *

Ken was warm and cozy in the bathrobe, but he felt like he had just been doused with a bucket of ice-cold water.

Josh was leaving. How could Ken forget? He had been so caught up with being patient that he forgot he had a time limit. As he sat there on the mattress, Josh was packed and ready to go. And all Ken wanted to do was hold on to him, keep him close.

“ _I like you_ ,” he said. _Let me in, please_.

Josh looked stunned, but he blushed.

“Ken, I’m not—I’m not good for you, okay? I’m—I’m just a random, washed up _guy_ who happened to fit your fantasies. But I’m not staying here. You know that, right? Nothing good would come out of… _whatever this is_.”

Ken could see Josh’s fear through his eyes. Maybe he had been hearing a lot of unkind words that made him think he wasn’t good enough because he was gay, and he was a loner. But Ken honestly didn’t care about that. He liked Josh, and nothing else mattered.

_Let me in._

“I like you… I only want to know if you like me, too… Can you answer that first?”

Josh nodded sheepishly after a moment’s hesitation. “Yeah… Yeah, I like you, too.”

Words that sounded like fireworks. Josh was finally opening up, even if it was just a little bit. He was still scared, after all. Ken wanted to tell him it was okay. Ken was scared, too. But they could be scared together, couldn’t they?

Ken kissed Josh’s scars, the part of him that he never showed anyone. Ken kissed them the way he wanted to kiss every single part of Josh that was aching. Ken kissed his scars the way he wanted to kiss Josh’s fears goodbye. And maybe then, Josh wouldn’t be so scared anymore.

* * *

Not at all to Ken’s surprise, Josh was good at sex. How could he be good at everything? Ken felt small and insignificant next to him.

How does he make this man happy? How does he make Josh feel as good as he was making Ken feel? How could they stand at equal footing?

“… _Teach me_?” Ken pleaded, whispering it into Josh’s ear.

He felt Josh nod and he peeked just to see his smile. “Give me your hand?”

Ken reached up to cup Josh’s cheek. He smiled. Then he took Ken’s fingers into his mouth one by one, sucking. He trailed his tongue over every digit slowly, staring intensely at Ken as he did.

Ken gulped, remembering how Josh’s tongue felt all over him.

Josh opened his legs a bit wider and hooked his arm around Ken’s neck. Then, he slowly guided Ken’s hand between his legs before whispering in his ear.

* * *

Josh winced as Ken shifted position slightly. Pain flashed across his face.

“Wait, _are you okay_?!” Ken asked. He wiped the sweat that clung to Josh’s forehead and kissed it. “Sorry. Does… _Are you hurt_?”

“I’m fine,” Josh said, taking in deep breaths. “It’s just… _it’s been a while_.”

_Oh_. Ken blushed at the thought. He didn’t think Josh would be physically lonely, considering how naturally charming he was. “Tell me… how to make it better.”

Josh laughed.

“What’s so funny?” Ken asked him.

“Nobody’s been this gentle with me before,” Josh replied.

Ken felt his heart sting a little. He wondered what kind of people Josh had spent his nights with in the past. What kind of idiot _wouldn’t_ be gentle with this person?

He kissed Josh again—long, deep, passionate—hoping it would be enough to let him know he was sincere. Josh moaned into the kiss. The sound made Ken involuntarily buck his hips once.

“Ugh, _sorry_ ,” Ken said when Josh grunted and tightened around him. “Are you okay?”

Josh chuckled again and nodded. “Yeah…. Yeah, I’m fine… Better now. You can start moving.”

* * *

Josh craned his head, his upper body arching. Ken was pretty sure Josh was leaving nail marks on his back but he didn’t care. All he could think about was how it was possible for someone to be that beautiful.

“ _Ke_ … _n_ …!” he said, panting every time Ken thrust into him slowly. It was a beautiful sound, and Ken wanted to hear more. He was starting to get hooked on the feeling that Josh was squirming in pleasure because of him.

“ _Kennn_ …!”

Ken wanted to say something, but his words didn’t reach his tongue. So he just kissed Josh, hoping he would taste them instead.

* * *

Josh cried into Ken’s shoulders. He was trying to hide it, but Ken felt the tears.

_Don’t cry_ , he wanted to say. _I don’t want to make you cry_.

“Break me…” Josh pleaded, his voice cracking slightly. He buried his face deeper into Ken’s neck. “Ken, _break me_.”

“ _Never_ ,” Ken said, his movements careful and gentle. But for some reason, it only made Josh cry more.

* * *

So this is what making love felt like. _Fuck,_ Ken thought. He was losing it. _What the fuck._ He was probably going to die in pleasure. _Fuck_.

Josh wasn’t helping, either. The moans and the curses that tumbled out of his mouth only served to fire Ken up even more, making him lose control.

“Fas— _Fuck_ —Faster…!” Josh cried as he touched himself in time with Ken’s thrusts. “ _Faster, Ken_ …!”

He kissed Josh hungrily and obliged. If he was going to die in this man’s arms, he surely wouldn’t mind.

* * *

“ _Ah_!” Josh mewled as he climaxed once more. How many times has it been already? After the first time they rested, Ken lost count.

But Ken wasn’t done. It was strange. There was an insatiable hunger inside him that wanted more… and more… and _more_ …

“Wait, you’re…?” Josh whispered, seeking Ken’s eyes. His expression was halfway between surprised and amused.

“ _I’m sorry_ ,” he said into Josh’s ear, biting the supple flesh apologetically. “Sorry, I’m still… You must be hurting. _I’m sorry, but_ …”

Josh gave a hearty laugh and pulled him in for another kiss. He was smiling. “No, it’s okay… I’m all yours.”

Josh buried his face onto Ken’s neck again. “ _All yours_.”

* * *

“ _Josh_ ,” he whispered, panting as he moved faster. “ _Josh_ …!”

Josh clung to him, his nails digging into his back. “ _K—Ke—ugh_!”

They came at the same time, and Ken had given up counting. He didn’t think he would ever get tired of this, of Josh, of them. He wanted more.

But his eyes were growing heavy. He was starting to hurt in lots of different places. The strength in his arms left him, and he collapsed on top of Josh.

Josh’s hand caressed from his lower back to his shoulders to his hair, combing the strands through delicate fingers.

“Are you okay?” Josh asked him.

Ken only kissed him in reply, sweet and short. He pressed their foreheads together and stared. “Did you feel good?”

Josh laughed. “You’re shameless, _geez_!” But then he nodded, smiling. Ken couldn’t be prouder of himself.

“You’re tired, Ken… You should sleep.”

Tomorrow, when he takes Josh to the airport, they would need to talk. About them. About where they wanted things to go. Because Ken was falling madly, deeply in love to the point of no return. He wanted to work it out. He would make sure it would.

That was what Ken resolved before kissing Josh one last time and falling into a deep sleep.

* * *

“ _I_ … _might love you_ … _I think_.”

Ken was sure he heard Josh whisper it into his ear.

_I love you, too_ , he replied in his head.

Josh heard it, though, didn’t he?

* * *

Ken woke up and he could still smell Josh in the sheets. Memories of their night together flooded him, and he couldn’t help but smile.

But his happiness was short-lived when he opened his eyes and Josh wasn’t on the bed.

Ken shot up, looking around for any sign of him. His luggage wasn’t there anymore, and it didn’t sound like anybody was in the bathroom.

“ _Josh_?” he called. No response.

He was alone.

Ken put his head in his hands and tried to think. Last night wasn’t a dream, was it? Because the scratches and bruises all over his body felt real… so did the growing ache in his chest.

He spared a glance at the bedside table and saw that there was a folded-up piece of paper there with _K-E-N_ written on it. His name.

Ken opened it, recognizing the letters, but before he could read anything his vision became blurry with tears.

“D…De… _ar_ …”

Ken couldn’t read anymore. He refused to. Because reading it meant that it was over. It was goodbye. And Ken would rather remain illiterate if it meant he could keep holding on to the memories of Josh with him.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter will be the last. i can’t believe it’s almost over. i usually don’t write the last chapters to my fics because i get incredibly lonely. is this normal? i feel like i'm losing a friend.
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoyed it so far. see you in the next chapter.


	8. dear surfer boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter and i want to cry again.  
> please note that this chapter starts a year after the events of last chapter, then delves into josh's year without ken.
> 
> if confused, please comment your questions. i'd be glad to answer them.
> 
> chapter contains: heavy narrations; angst; fluff???

**chapter seven: dear surfer boy**

“So, Cullen. Congratulations on your first book signing in a while! We’re so glad to finally be reading something from you again,” the interviewer said. She smiled sweetly at Josh from across the table.

Josh nodded and returned her smile. “Thank you very much for your patience. I know this book couldn’t be more different from what I usually write since it’s a children’s book but thank you for thinking favorably about it.”

“Have you been reading the reviews for this book yet?” she asked. “We heard you’ve stopped subscribing to critic reviews lately.”

Josh laughed. “I wouldn’t say I _stopped_ ,” he started. “But I _have_ been selective of what I read. I still take everything with a grain of salt. But I try not to get carried away.”

“That’s very wise,” the interviewer admired. “Some reviewers have dubbed this book as your ‘best literary work yet’ and ‘the worst disappointment Cullen Santos has ever released’. How do you reconcile those two things?”

“ _Yikes_ ,” Josh grimaced, earning a laugh from the interviewer. “I’m sorry that they think this book is a disappointment… but I guess they’ll just have to accept that I’ve written it and I love it dearly.

“As for it being my ‘best literary work’,” Josh drew quotation marks in the air, “I would have to disagree. Because I’ve written better pieces than this… I just didn’t publish them.”

The interviewer leaned into him. “Oh! That’s the first time I’m hearing this. Care to elaborate?”

Josh shook his head. “I’ll only say that they’re letters I wrote to a dear friend. He… helped me a lot in writing this book when I was in a bad place… but that was already a year ago.”

* * *

As soon as the airplane took off, Josh could no longer stop his tears from falling. _Why_ he was crying, he didn’t know. After all, it was his own choice to leave Ken. It had always been the plan.

But there was a strange hollowness in his chest as soon as he left the cottage. It was like part of his heart caved in, and he couldn’t keep holding it up for long. He wondered if it would go away on its own, or if he would have to deal with it forever.

The two-hour flight barely felt that long as Josh thought about everything that had happened for the past week. Funny how just one week and a surfer boy could cause him to re-think many of his decisions in life. He would forever be grateful to the surfer boy made him feel brave, even if it was just a little.

But while the wound of separation was still fresh, Josh wanted to mourn. So when Jun opened his arms to welcome him back, Josh ran into his friend’s embrace and cried.

“W-What’s going on— _hey_!” Jun exclaimed, pulling away and trying to look at him in the eyes. “Josh, what’s wrong?”

“Can we talk later?” Josh asked. “I just… want to cry right now.”

Jun nodded, eyes filled with concern. Then he hugged Josh and patted his back. “Okay… go ahead. Let’s go to the car and you can bawl your eyes out there.”

* * *

Surprisingly, Jun didn’t become privy to Josh’s emotional breakdown in the car. Jun only remained silent as Josh put up his knees, pulled down his jacket hood, and cried like baby in the front seat. He cried so much no one would think it was because of one man whom he had known for barely a week.

When Josh calmed down a while later, he explained to Jun everything that had happened. Jun only nodded and asked for clarifications. But he never questioned Josh’s decisions or what he did.

“I think you made a choice that you thought would be best for the two of you,” Jun told him over dinner that night. “There’s still a lot you could do apart. Staying together would have stopped both of you from growing in your own respects.”

Josh hugged Jun tightly and thanked him for listening. Then, he lay on the couch as he prepared to sleep. Jun had insisted that Josh stay at his apartment for the night. Josh knew it was because Jun was afraid he would start cutting himself again.

But he didn’t feel the need for that anymore. In the past, he only cut himself because he needed to _feel something_. He had been numb to everything and when he cut, he could feel that he was alive because it hurt.

Josh stared at the white lines on his wrists and could still remember how Ken whispered sweet nothings over them like a mantra. The memory brought a surge of good and bad feelings with it. And because they were so strong, Josh didn’t need the help of a razor to feel. He only needed to think about Ken.

* * *

A lot of things changed as soon as Josh went back to Manila. And it all happened so fast that Jun had been nervous for him at first, only later seeing that his decisions were wise.

Josh finally had the guts to leave his publishing company. News of his departure shocked the tight-knit literary community. After all, Josh was a well-known author leaving a well-known company. People talked. Josh ignored them.

It turned out that leaving would be one of the best decisions Josh had ever made. It was like a burden he finally put down after lugging it around for a long time. Right at the beginning of Josh’s departure, his passion for writing resurfaced.

He wrote about Ken the most. About his radiance, his smile, his kindness. And without even knowing it, Josh’s thoughts about him had culminated into a manuscript that Jun had cried over.

“This is beautiful, Josh! _What the heck_!” his friend said, pulling him in to kiss him on the forehead. “I don’t even know how to feel about it. Wait, let me cry about this now and I’ll give you my comments later.”

During his discussions with Jun, both of them thought to publish it independently. Not only because Josh’s previous publishing company was still sour over his departure, but also because Josh wanted to pay tribute to his own efforts. He wanted to gift himself with something that he worked hard for on his own. And the more he planned it with Jun, the more Josh became confident with his new-found independence.

* * *

Josh had also started going to therapy for his depression. He finally decided to give in to Jun’s badgering that ‘it’s time for you to see a professional’ and ‘there are things that you can’t keep in your closet forever’.

At first, Josh was skeptical. After all, what could a few hours of talking with a stranger accomplish? Then he reminded himself that Ken had healed him in less the amount of time. And so he went.

The sessions were a different kind of healing to Josh. His therapist made Josh feel like nothing he said would scare his therapist away. Josh became comfortable to tell him almost everything. They talked about his writing, his publishers, the pressure of writing something that was ‘good enough’.

Most especially, they talked about Ken and how Josh kept clinging to memories of him. Josh cried for several sessions over his surfer boy. Even after a few months, Josh couldn’t believe it was still painful.

“It’s painful because it’s real,” his therapist said in one of their sessions. “But it seems to me that these are memories, rather than present realities that you’re holding on to. You’re basically stuck in that time and space, and you’re not letting yourself move forward.”

“I… don’t want to forget him,” Josh said, crying as he put his face in his hands. “My memories are all I have left.”

“You seem to really love him,” his therapist said, nodding. “And that’s why you’re holding on. But you also seem to be hurting because you can’t let those memories go.”

It took Josh a while to understand what his therapist meant. But as the months went by, he had learned to keep those memories where they belonged—in the past. If he kept clinging to them, they would eventually prevent him from enjoying the things he had… the things that he had sacrificed Ken for.

And as he continued to immerse himself in his present, Josh could finally admit to himself that he loves Ken… truly, _deeply_. But he would never regret the decision to leave him because it made him thrive on his own, not using Ken as a crutch.

For some reason, whenever he thought of it that way, he can’t help but think that Ken would have been proud.

* * *

“ _Josh_ …!”

There were nights, however, when Josh would wake up in the dark dreaming of Ken, in his bed, holding him.

Not only had Ken ignited a fire of passion inside him, Ken also reminded Josh’s body of what it was like to be loved. Josh would lay awake in his bed, reminiscing. Sometimes, he would fantasize about his surfer boy.

When he talked about it in his follow-up sessions, his therapist suggested he write about these feelings. And so Josh jotted down his thoughts on paper… on letters to his surfer boy that he never sent but kept in a box under his bed.

* * *

“Uhm, thank you to everyone who came here to celebrate this book launch and signing with me,” Josh said as he gestured to the small crowd in the library. Many of his avid readers were there, some guests, media people, and children who had just heard him read his new book to them.

“I’d like to thank Jun who’s stuck with me throughout the writing and editing process,” Josh looked to Jun who stood on the sidelines, smiling proudly. “Uhm… This book is very special to me.

“‘The Boy Lost at Sea’ talks about a boy floating aimlessly in the ocean who got help from a sun spirit to find land. It… it tells about his bravery and wisdom when he chose to leave the land to continue sailing with the sun spirit because… it was how he felt alive.

“It’s a story that’s close to my heart because… I used to feel like I’ve been lost at sea for a long time. A sun spirit also showed me the way to land, but, uh…” he chuckled, “I wasn’t brave enough to follow my sun spirit yet. But… I hope those who read this book will learn to be braver than I am…

“Uh… I guess that’s all. Thank you. I’ll—I guess we can start the signing now.”

Josh had always hated speaking in public. It made him feel naked and exposed to a lot of ridicule. But talking about his new book felt different. While he was still a little bit nervous, he was proud to let everyone know his story, and the book he had dedicated to Ken: “ _the surfer boy who shone like the sun_ ”.

It was Josh’s first book launch as an independent author. It wasn’t as grand as what he used to have, but he was peaceful and satisfied. So as Josh sat at the front of the library, he happily greeted every person in the queue wanting to get their books signed.

“To whom should I address this to?” he asked the next person, who was a young girl in braids.

“Tiffany,” she replied.

“Tiffany… I see. Have you read it yet?” Josh asked as he signed his name in large cursive letters. Tiffany shook her head and Josh smiled at her. “Well, I hope you get to read it.”

Tiffany waved him goodbye and ran to her mother. Josh smiled as he watched her running, watching her hair jump up and down as she showed her signed book to her mom.

Josh kept watching her, his hand absentmindedly grabbing the book from the next person in line.

“To whom should I address this to?” Josh opened the book to the front page and prepared to write.

“Uhm… Can you just put in… ‘ _surfer boy_ ’?” the man asked in a voice that sounded like a dream.

Josh was sure he had coffee, so he probably wasn’t hallucinating from fatigue. But why did it feel like he was hearing things? It was impossible. ‘ _He_ ’ couldn’t be there… could he? Josh dared to look up, hoping it _was_ and _wasn’t_ ‘ _him_ ’ at the same time.

_‘He_ ’ stood in front of Josh wearing a bomber jacket and jeans. His hair was short and dark brown under the black cap he wore over his head. He had a mask on that obscured half his face, but Josh recognized those eyes. He would _always_ recognize those eyes.

Josh could only stare at ‘him’. At Ken.

Ken took off the mask he was wearing and smiled. The same wonky-toothed smile that hooked Josh a year ago seemed to be blinding him at that very moment.

Before, seeing Ken again after two days without him had hit Josh hard. After an entire year without him, Josh felt like he was hit by an avalanche of sensations, wants, needs, emotions. His brain effectively shut down.

Josh felt like he was in one of his dreams again. He lost his grip on the marker he was holding and it rolled off the table. Ken hastily picked it up and put it back in his hand.

“ _Hey…_ It’s me…”

Josh still kept staring… for a _very long time_.

“Josh? Hey, you’re holding up the line…!” Jun whispered into his ear.

“So-Sorry, Jun. I… Uhm…” Josh’s hand felt sweaty and clammy.

He looked up at Ken who was still standing in front of him. Josh wanted to touch him, poke him, make sure he was real. But there was a queue of people watching them.

“Can— _Do you have time_? Can you wait until I’m done…? _Please_ …”

Ken nodded, still smiling. Then, Jun grabbed him and led him away to the waiting room.

* * *

Josh felt like his arms were going to fall off by the time he had finished the signing. He would have sent all his readers away so he could talk to Ken… but he needed time to calm himself down enough and think about what to say.

When they finished packing up, Josh thanked everyone and quickly bid them goodbye. Then, he hurriedly ran to Jun.

“Is he still here?” Josh asked him.

“ _Yep_ ,” Jun replied. “You ready to talk to him, though?”

Josh ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t know, Jun. I mean… My brain isn’t working. What do we even talk about?”

Jun rolled his eyes at Josh. “An apology, how about? Remember: _you_ left _him_. So that is _definitely_ a conversation that needs to happen.”

“Damn, I’m so nervous,” Josh said, tapping his foot.

“ _Suck it up_.” Then Jun pushed him through the door of the waiting room.

Ken was sitting by the window near a row of bookshelves against the wall, holding a piece of paper in his hands. His hair was parted in the middle, brown and wavy. He no longer had his teal highlights at the back. His face also seemed more angular, more mature. But his eyes remained as soft and beautiful and kind as Josh had always remembered.

Ken watched as Josh approached.

“ _Hi_ …” Josh greeted, waving sheepishly.

Ken gestured for Josh to sit on the space next to him on the long chair. When Josh sat down, they were both silent for a long time.

“I can’t believe you’re here right now…” he whispered. He knew it wasn’t a good way to start a conversation, but Josh was so desperate to say something that it slipped out of his mouth.

“Uh… John Paulo—I mean, _Jun_ —contacted me,” Ken explained. “He called the resort several times, but I don’t work there anymore so it took a while for him to find me. When he asked if I wanted to come to your book signing, I couldn’t say no…”

There were so many things Josh wanted to ask, but the only thing that came out of his mouth was, “ _Oh_ …”

Ken leaned forward, put his elbows on his knees, and turned to Josh. “You? How have you been?”

“Wait… before that,” Josh said, crossing his arms and hugging himself. “I think… I need to apologize. For _everything_. I’m really… _really_ sorry.”

Ken turned his gaze away.

“My life sucked for a few months after you left… But I don’t blame you for it. I know you had your reasons,” he said, his smile faltering a little as he kept talking. “But… I would have liked it if you talked to me about it, too. That was… probably what hurt most. You decided for the both of us.”

Josh felt his throat close up. And part of him wanted to run away because he was afraid of hearing something he didn’t want to hear.

But then Ken smiled at Josh. “But I got over it. It… wasn’t easy, but I eventually did. I realized, either of us would have been stuck in a place we didn’t like if we stayed together at the time… And I couldn’t tie you down like that. I understand it now.”

Josh shook his head. “I’m still sorry I hurt you. I never—I know apologizing probably doesn’t do much… but I’m still sorry. And thank you… for understanding.”

They stared at each other for a little while. All the things Josh had been meaning to say and apologize for were erased from his mind as he drowned in Ken’s gaze.

Then Ken leaned in closer. He stopped short of Josh’s lips, like he used to do when he waited for consent.

“Don’t punch me.”

Josh’s logic was thrown out of the window. After a year of pining, here he was, falling hard and fast all over again. He was so caught in the moment that he grabbed the collar of Ken’s jacket, pulled himself as close as he could, and kissed him.

When Ken finally got over his initial surprise, he leaned in to the kiss. His hands slid down to cup Josh’s waist. The kiss was gentle, just as patient as they had been to each other in the year they were apart.

But then Josh pulled back abruptly.

“Wait… sorry… okay… _the sequence is wrong,_ I think! There’s so much to talk about first and I don’t even know _how_ you’re here— _mmph_ —” Ken chased his lips and kissed him again, but Josh quickly cut it off, “— _mm_ —or if you’re staying for long. Or you could be leaving, for all I know!”

Josh stood up, pinching the bridge of his nose. His mind was in a jumble. He started to restlessly pace back and forth in front of Ken, trying to think about everything he wanted to say and _do_ to this man.

Ken stopped Josh in his tracks by grabbing his wrists. Ken’s grip was just as gentle as their kiss, so familiar, that Josh paused and just stood there in front of him.

“ _Calm down, Josh_!” he said laughing. “Okay, let me backtrack a bit.”

“‘Backtrack’. Big word.”

“ _Shush_ , do you want me to talk or not?”

“S-Sorry,” Josh said and relaxed as Ken caressed his wrists with his thumbs.

“So… Jun had been trying to contact me since a few months ago. But he couldn’t get a hold of me since I was… _uhm…_ scouted. By a small talent agency a few months after you left.”

“ _Jun_ called you _here_... okay...” Josh couldn’t help but thank the heavens for giving him a friend like Jun.

Ken nodded. “I’ve always liked dancing so I decided to give it a try. Opportunities came up, and so I had to quit at the resort... I’ve been traveling a lot recently for some dancing and modeling. But Jun… was persistent. So the resort staff just gave him my number.”

“That’s—! _You have a phone now_?!”

Ken nodded shyly then continued. “Even if I found something I _liked_ doing, I didn’t want it to just end there so… I got back to studying… and I just passed the ALS some time ago.”

“ _Ken_ —!” Josh started before he could stop himself. “ _That’s_ … I’m _so happy_ for you…”

“You… were one of the first few people who believed in me, Josh… I wanted you to be proud of me.”

“I _am_ proud of you. I have _always_ been proud of you.”

Ken beamed at him, smiling so brightly it made Josh’s eyes sting. “Yeah, I know… But I still have a long way to go so… wait for me, okay? Don’t leave me behind again… _Or I will hunt you down, I swear_.”

Josh closed his eyes tightly, thinking about what to do next. There were so many things that they needed to talk about but there was _so little time_ that Josh didn’t know where to start.

“Okay, okay!” Josh said, frustratedly messing up his hair. “ _Fine_ …! How long… how long will you be here?”

“I have a modeling gig in Makati for the next few days so… a week, tops.”

Josh put both his hands behind his head in surrender. “Alright… let’s… let’s just take it one day at a time, okay? _Nobody’s hunting anybody down_.”

Ken chuckled and buried his face into Josh’s stomach. Josh hugged him closer.

“Can I ask you to do something for me?”

“ _Anything_ …”

“Read to me again?” Ken asked and looked up at Josh with pleading eyes.

He held out the paper in his hands to Josh. The letters _K-E-N_ were written on it in Josh’s faded handwriting. “Remember this letter? I haven’t read it yet…”

“What? _Why_?”

"At first I studied so I could read it myself but then I realized..." Ken's gaze was soft and adoring, “I wanted _you_ to read it to me.”

_Fuck, here come the waterworks_ , Josh thought as his eyes started to well up in tears. “ _What the heck_? We don’t see each other in a year and the first thing you want me to do for you is to _read_ to you?!”

Ken laughed. But then he gave Josh a sly smile. “Why? Did you want to do… _other stuff_?”

“You are _still so shameless_ —!” Josh exclaimed.

Something in Josh snapped. The last threads of his self-control finally gave away. He wasted no time cupping Ken’s face in his hands and kissing him again, this time with urgency. Ken grabbed Josh’s neck to pull him even closer, smiling into their kiss. Both of them forgot where they were as their hands started attempting to rid each other of their clothes.

Josh was just about to pull Ken’s jacket off and Ken had just unbuttoned Josh’s dress shirt when someone loudly cleared his throat.

“ _Ahem_!”

They turned to the door. Jun was standing there, arms crossed and face looking at them in disgust.

“Yeah, I’m sure you guys have got _a lot_ of kissing to do. But Josh kind of has a scheduled lunch in thirty minutes. I _do_ need the rest of his body for that, if you don’t mind, Ken?”

Josh looked away, hiding his face with one hand. Ken just pulled him close by the waist and said to Jun, “Can I tag along?”

Jun grimaced. “If you can promise to keep your hands away from each other. _Ugh_! Get a _freaking room_!”

“ _I’m telling Stell_!” Josh yelled, still embarrassed.

“Out in five minutes, _Joshua_!”

“ _Joshua_?”

“Oh, God. _Why’d you have to meet Jun_?”

Ken laughed and stood up. Then started buttoning Josh’s shirt shyly. “We can, uhm… continue this later… Jun’s right. You have work to do.”

Josh nodded, and they started walking out of the room together wordlessly.

Much like in the past, Ken was a little too fast and a little too soon. Josh’s mind still struggled to keep his heart in check. But they were both more mature now. Still a little scared, but also a little braver. And as they walked side by side, not talking, Josh knew… _yeah_ , this time around it will be worth a shot.

**//END//**

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you reached this last chapter, thank you for your patience.  
> see you in my next fic. :)


	9. epilogue: what happened in the aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we know what happened to the writer in the year they were apart. but what of the surfer boy? 
> 
> (self-indulgent exploration of ken’s backstory, but with attempts at fluff)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm still hung up on this story because there’s so much to ken’s character here that i wasn’t able to explore. 
> 
> this entire story is basically a retelling of what happened to the surfer boy, just so i can get it out of the way. sorry. please bear with me and enjoy…?

**epilogue: what happened in the aftermath**

Josh positioned himself beside Ken, sweaty and burning to the touch. He lay on his side and pressed himself as close as he could to the man next to him.

They tried to catch their breath.

" _Should we clean up_?" asked Ken, gesturing to the sweat and other… _stuff_ that was sticking to both their skins.

He was unsure of what to do in the aftermath of passionate lovemaking. The last time he had sex with someone—and that someone was Josh—he fell asleep right away. Now still awake, there was a part of him that was a little conscious of how to behave. But he trusted he could count on Josh to tell him.

" _Later_..." Josh replied and scooted even closer. He laid his head on Ken's shoulder while his hand rested on top of Ken's chest.

_So much for catching up_ , Ken thought.

Everything was a blur if he were to be honest. He and Josh agreed to talk more about the year they were apart; so, after his scheduled lunch, Josh suggested they go to his home. Ken was only too excited to be welcomed to Josh's personal living space. He wanted to see what it looked like. Where Josh spent most of his time. But when they got there, his writer wasted no time getting his hands all over Ken... and Ken wasn't exactly complaining.

Suffice it to say that they weren't able to do much to talking for the past hour and a half.

Ken wrapped his arm around Josh and pulled him closer.

_This is nice_ , he thought. Just lying there with the person he thought he had lost, doing nothing. Just listening to him breathe. If, a year ago, someone told Ken things would eventually turn out okay, he would have laughed at them.

"Talk to me?" Josh said in a whisper. Ken looked down to see that he was staring blankly at his own hand rise and fall with Ken's chest as his panting slowed down.

"About what?"

"Anything... _everything_..."

"Oh..." Ken said, thinking. "I'm not much of a storyteller, _sir_."

Josh chuckled, making Ken smile. "I'm serious, _loko_."

"Uhm... what do you want to know? 'Anything' and 'everything' are kind of... _too broad_."

Josh looked up. "What was it like? The past year for you."

"Didn't I already tell you?"

"I want an unabridged version, of course!"

" _'Unabridged'_ means?"

"Uncut," Josh replied, chuckling. "Tell me the long version."

"It's... pretty long, that’s for sure."

Josh pressed even closer, comfortably sharing the heat of his body with Ken. "It's okay... I'm not leaving. And you aren't, either... _right_?"

Ken hummed, content. Maybe the reason why Josh was so hurried a while ago was because he was afraid they would separate again? If he was, Ken was glad to have learned something new about his... _lover_. It told him that Josh was just as scared of losing him as he was. And that Josh was a little bit greedy, which was kind of cute. He guessed it was fine. Ken would be greedy about Josh, too.

Carefully, he sat up and pulled the discarded blanket over their nakedness. Then Josh smiled as he squeezed into the space between Ken’s side and the arm he had around Josh’s back.

"I'm not good at telling stories, a'right?" he warned, kissing the top of Josh's head.

" _Haha_ , I have no expectations." Josh sighed. "I just want to hear more about what you've done the past year."

"Okay, okay. But after this, you'll tell me _your_ story, deal?"

Josh nodded, quiet.

"Where should I start?"

"From..." Josh took a deep breath. "From after I left."

Ken kissed Josh's forehead again. If Josh wanted to start there, Ken would tell him in all honesty. He just hoped he doesn't say anything unnecessary. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Josh.

"Okay... but... just so you know. I've... gotten over it, alright? It's all in the past."

" _Hm_..."

"And... _well_... with everything that happened, I actually _didn't_ have time to stay mad at you."

" _Mm-hmm_..."

"To be honest, I just... wanted to find you and—"

" _Ken_ ," Josh cut-off, chuckling. It was his turn to press a reassuring kiss to Ken's jaw. "It's okay... I just want to hear what happened. I won't get mad. _I promise_."

Ken stared at him. The way Josh looked up with his sparkling doe eyes as he leaned on Ken's shoulder was a picture Ken wanted to get used to.

Josh became quiet, waiting. And Ken prepared himself for a bit of a long tale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> separation anxiety for these characters is real


	10. surfer boy's story unabridged (part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter contains: 4000+ words; heavy narrations; joken=angst for this chapter
> 
> chapter does not contain: josh (except for one small instance)

**surfer boy’s story unabridged**

“ _Mmh_ …”

Ken closed his eyes tightly and tried to imagine. Josh’s hands were soft—not _this_ soft—on his back as he ran his palms through them. His lips were supple—not _this_ smooth—over his as he sucked on his lips. He tasted sweet—not like beer and cigarettes.

He tried to imagine but failed. Because it was not Josh on this bed. It was not Josh in his arms. It wasn’t Josh’s voice whispering to him.

And just that thought made bile rise to the back of his throat, making him want to throw up.

* * *

His shift was over, and Ken had nothing better to do in the afternoon than stare at the ocean for the rest of the day. The waves crashed on the rocks near the shore, washing away all traces of whatever was there before.

Ken thought it would be easier if he were a rock. That way, the waves would just sweep over the tightness in his chest. Maybe then, he’d feel better. But he _wasn’t_ a rock. And two months after Josh had left him, the pain felt just as fresh as if he left yesterday.

_I… might love you… I think._

Was this love? Because if it was, he wanted to have none of it. It hurt too much. It was too heavy.

But who was he kidding? Despite the pain, he would still choose to hold on. Because Josh was someone precious to him.

“ _Hey_ , _kid_ ,” a voice called, and Ken was sure it was directed at him.

He looked up from where he was sitting on the sand, still a bit damp from sea water, to see a beautiful woman standing some distance from him. She was wearing a white tank top, skimpy denim shorts, sunglasses, and a straw hat. Her hair fell just below her shoulders, and her arms were adorned with a surprising number of tattoos up to her elbows.

She looked at Ken and talked to him again. “Can you try walking up to me?”

Ken pointed to himself just to be sure that the woman was talking to him. When she nodded, Ken put his surfboard down, got up, and started walking towards her. But after taking two steps, she stopped him.

“Wait, don’t slouch,” she said. Her voice was commanding, and Ken could only obey her. “Good. Now, chin up slightly—not _that_ high, hun— _good_! Now keep walking…”

Ken had no idea what he was doing, or what this woman was getting at. But he did as he was told, walking just like how he always walked; only this time, he had his chin up and he didn’t slouch.

When Ken got close to her, she touched his chin, turned his head from side to side. Checked him out from head to foot, then she smiled.

“Your face isn’t bad. I bet you sing and dance, too?” she asked him.

“I do a little bit of dancing. Singing, not so much,” Ken replied, still a bit confused.

“Good, good…” Her smiled only grew wider. “You have _that_ face.”

“What face?”

“The face that tells a story,” she replied, lowering her sunglasses. Her eyes were like beetles, black and shiny. “Do you want to be a celebrity?”

Ken’s eyes grew wide. “ _Sorry_?”

“I’m Jamie. I’m a scout at a talent company in Taguig,” she said, holding out her hand to him. There was a cross-shaped tattoo on her wrist. And Ken’s mind ran all the way back to the white scars that lined Josh’s wrist.

“Uhm, Ken…” he replied, shaking Jamie’s hand absentmindedly. “What were you asking?”

“Do you want to be a celebrity?”

“Not really…”

“Come on, kid. You’ve got to be joking. _Everybody_ wants to be a celebrity,” she said, scoffing. “But not everyone’s got the looks and the feel like you.”

“Sorry, I… am just not into those kinds of things,” Ken replied, hoping his tone was polite.

“Hey, hey! Don’t brush me off just yet!” Jamie started to pat her pockets. “Argh, it’s not here with me. My business cards!”

Ken only stood awkwardly beside her, suddenly feeling a little bit exposed. He hugged himself with one arm, covering the nakedness of his upper body.

“Would you mind coming with me a little bit? I just _really_ think you need to consider being a model.”

“Where to?” Ken asked.

“I’m staying in one of the cottages,” she replied. “Cottage number five. I left my business cards there.”

_Cottage number five, huh_ , Ken thought and immediately swallowed. He had stayed away from that area of the resort because it brought back so many memories. Scents, sights, sounds. All going straight through his heart like a poisoned arrow.

Jamie put both hands up. “Please, please. Come on, kid. Give this lady a chance to change your life, alright?” Then, she gestured for him to follow her to the cottage.

For some reason, Ken’s feet followed after her.

The cottage looked the same as the other cottages in the resort. A hut made of bamboo and straw, but airconditioned, painted and decorated. The interior was the same as the others, too.

But as Ken stood by the door, his eyes drifting to the bed, he knew that bed was special. That was the bed where he and Josh—

“ _Got it_!” came Jamie’s excited voice, which Ken ignored as he continued to look longingly at the white sheets.

Ken noticed a lump in his throat that refused to disappear. He swallowed.

Jamie appeared in front of him, looking straight at his eyes and smirking. “I see… Is _that_ what you want?”

Ken was about to ask her what she meant when she suddenly grabbed him and pulled him in for a kiss. A kiss both like and unlike what he had shared with Josh. Unknowingly, Ken shut his eyes tight— _Josh, Josh, Josh!—_ and kissed her back.

Ken didn’t know how it happened, but then he found himself on the same bed and on top of a woman he just met, kissing her as he imagined… Josh’s hands, Josh’s lips, Josh’s scent, how he tasted.

“ _Mmh_ …” Jamie moaned as Ken kissed down her neck.

_Josh, Josh, Josh,_ yelled Ken’s mind. But this was not Josh. _This is wrong_ , his mind protested. _This_ isn’t _Josh_.

As soon as the more rational part of him woke, Ken felt like vomiting and he stopped. He immediately scampered off the woman and sat on the chair in front of the dresser.

“Sor—Sorry…! _That shouldn’t have happened_! _Sorry_!” he said, one hand rubbing his eyes that were now starting to well up in tears. After two months, he thought he was getting better. But that was apparently not true. It was Josh. It is _still_ Josh.

“Hey,” Jamie said, sounding panicked. “Hey, it’s okay. I must have misunderstood. It’s fine— _hey_!”

Ken raised a hand to stop her and fought back his tears. “I’m… fine. I’m sorry, just… I’m sorry.”

Jamie waited for a little while before talking again. “I was right, wasn’t I?”

“ _What_?” Ken asked, looking up at her.

She was sitting with arms crossed on her chest. She didn’t look the slightest bit disturbed about what just happened—or what _could_ have happened. In fact, she looked as if it was something so easy to sweep under the rug.

“You have a face that tells a story…” she said. “A real painful one, I’m assuming.”

Ken couldn’t look at her in the eyes.

“To have stopped just when things were getting good, you are either gay or in love,” Jamie said, teasing.

“Both, I guess.” Ken replied. “I’m in love with a man, if that tells you anything.”

Jamie whistled. “Nice… Damn, my gay-dar is spot on! _No offense_.”

“No, I should be the one apologizing. I’m… sorry.”

Jamie laughed even harder. “You are _cute_ , you know that? What a lucky, lucky guy this one is who has your attention. You seem passionate, loyal. And you have a good look on you. Angsty. _I like it_. Many of our talents would _kill_ to have half us much emotion in their eyes as yours.”

“Right,” Ken said, remembering why he was there in the first place. “You—You were saying something about a card?”

He stood up and walked to the door. The sooner he got out of that place, the less guilty he would feel about what had happened.

“Oh, yeah!” Jamie reached towards the bed-side table— _that was where he left the letter_ , Ken thought immediately—and handed him a small rectangular cardboard. “I seriously think you should consider being a model or a performer. Think about it.”

“Uhm… It’s kind of awkward… with you,” Ken replied, reaching up to the back of his neck.

“You’re blunt, aint’cha?” Jamie said, beaming up. “Stop thinking about it. It’s fine.

“Because seriously. Not only is my gay-dar accurate, I’m also usually right about the talents I scout. Give me a call if you think you want to try.”

Ken only kept staring at the card in his hand as he walked out of the cottage. He stared at the letters printed on its surface the same way he stared at Josh’s letter; the shapes were familiar, but they never made sense to him.

Ken rubbed his eyes. What a day. There were so many things gnawing at the back of his mind. Josh, the thing with Jamie which he tried to forget, the guilt that was slowly burning the back of his throat, and back to Josh again.

He shook his head and decided he had had enough of thinking for the day. So he pocketed the card, grabbed the surfboard he had left on the beach, and prepared to go home.

* * *

Ken lay on his bed. Sleep was not coming to him at all. It had not been since Josh left him. At night, Ken would just lie there thinking…

_Why, Josh_? That was his first question. Why did Josh leave? Could the answer be in the letter? But there was still a part of Ken that didn’t want to read it, afraid of what might be there.

_I… might love you… I think._

_Was that a lie, Josh_? If Josh loved him, why did he leave? Or was that a dream? But Ken felt so sure it wasn’t the workings of his own mind.

If Josh _did_ love him— _please, let it be_ —then what was Ken going to do about it?

He pulled out the small card from underneath his thin bedding and stared at it. Even in the dark, he could make out several letters. _She said she worked in Taguig_ , Ken thought. Taguig was somewhere close to Manila, right? If Ken went there…

If he went there… If he saw Josh again… What would he say? When Josh was in the island, he was just another regular person who smiled and laughed like Ken. But in Manila, he was in his element. Josh would surely move and breathe differently there. Would Ken belong in that world? In the big city with people as educated, rich, and beautiful as Josh?

Ken couldn’t help but feel small. There was such a big difference between them. Josh was like a deity while Ken was a worm who wasn’t worthy to even kiss his feet. If Josh left him because of that, Ken wouldn’t blame him at all.

With these thoughts in his head and no little amount of self-pity, Ken curled up into a ball and slept a restless sleep.

* * *

“Here you go,” Tip said, handing him the phone. “Just wait for them to pick up.”

“Th-Thanks, Tip,” Ken said sheepishly. Tip was nice enough to dial the numbers for him. He didn’t ask questions about the card or why Ken was calling; Tip wasn’t nosy. And Ken liked that about him.

After a few rings, a person picked up on the other end of the line. “Hello, you’ve reached SB Talent Agency. This is Jamie. How can I help you?”

Ken swallowed. It had been a few weeks, but he still felt awkward about the whole thing with Jamie. Not only because they had kissed, but also because he felt it was an act of unfaithfulness to Josh—even if they weren’t in a relationship.

“N-Not sure if you remember me but this… this is Ken,” he started.

“‘ _Ken’_ who?”

“Uhm… from the resort.”

“Oh… Oh! _Oh_!” she said, surprise evident in her voice. “My gosh, are you finally calling to tell me you’re going to try auditioning?”

“Well… I only wanted to ask what I need to do because I might… not be able to do it, after all.” Ken looked around him for prying eyes and eavesdropping ears.

“You can send an audition video online for now,” Jamie said. “Just a clip of you doing your walk, dancing, or singing.”

Ken suddenly got cold feet. Online videos? Sending? He didn’t know how to do any of those. What should he do now? He knew it. It was pointless.

“Hello? Are you still there?”

“Uh… yeah… Listen, I might not do it after all…” he said.

“ _What_?! _Why not_?!”

“I don’t know how to, uhm… sending through e-mail is kind of…”

“Wait, _hold up_!” Jamie said. “Nope! Nope! I’m not going to tolerate cowardice from a raw diamond. _Nope_!”

“Sorry, what—?”

“Put someone else on the phone.”

“I—”

“Anybody who knows how to do what you don’t know to do.”

Ken looked around and found that only Red was there. “Oi, Red. Come here a sec.”

Red immediately looked up from his phone and approached. He smiled goofily, as if Ken had not punched him some time ago. But Red was a nice kid, easily corrected. And they made up over a few cans of beer.

“Yeah, what is it?”

Without another word, Ken handed the phone to his junior. Red narrowed his eyes at him but took it anyway.

“Hello? Who is this?”

Red looked like he wasn’t sure what was happening but listened to Jamie anyway. Throughout the call, he became curious, then surprised, then excited, before getting panicked.

He held the telephone between his ear and shoulder and hurriedly started typing away on his phone, “…at x-mail dot com. Got it. Thanks, Jamie.”

“What did she say?” Ken asked when he put the receiver down, feeling as panicky as Red. His hands trembled slightly and he was sweating.

Red looked closely at Ken. “I’ll admit you’re handsome, but _dang_. You’re one hot commodity.”

“What…?”

“We’re going to record some stuff.”

“Okay…?”

“And call me Direk Red.”

* * *

Red was a scary son-of-a-gun. He was surprisingly meticulous about how Ken moved in front of the camera that they ended up recording him dancing and walking along a straight line dozens of times. Half the time Ken didn’t even know what he was doing, or why he was doing it at all.

But there was something that excited him about dancing and letting himself move to the beat of music. Something Ken liked, even if it seemed stupid to other people.

Ken danced and walked around for what seemed like hours. Eventually, Red became satisfied. He was nodding as he reviewed one of the clips, smiling.

“I think this is okay,” Red said.

“I’m still not sure what I was doing. And did Jamie really say to just walk and dance and stuff?”

Red nodded. “Yup. And I think we got ourselves a winner.”

“What are we going to do with that now?”

Red only smiled at Ken. “Trust me, bro. I got you.”

* * *

> March 3, 20xx
> 
> Dear **Mr. Felip Jhon Suson** ,
> 
> Greetings from SB Talent Agency!
> 
> After reviewing the audition clip(s) that you sent to us via email, we are pleased to inform you that you have been selected as **one of 70 auditionees for the second screening**.
> 
> The second screening will be held on **May 16, 20xx** , at the address specified in your official invitation, attached below.
> 
> Note that you will be responsible for **booking your own ticket and accommodation** for the duration of the screening. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact us by **replying to this e-mail**.
> 
> Confirm your attendance to the screening by clicking on this link **on or before April 15, 20xx** : bit.ly/a8cbd0.8
> 
> We look forward to your confirmation.
> 
> Sincerely,
> 
> Jaster Ello  
>  **HR, Talent Division  
> ** _SB Talent Agency_

* * *

Ken wanted to back out. _Thrice_. Not only was he going to waste a lot of money on something he wasn't sure would work, he would also be traveling to Manila, alone, with no idea how to get there or what to do once he got there.

Both Red and Tip pushed him. They also hit him on the head several times. Even Jamie called a lot to make sure he was going to go through with the screening. But Ken just didn't think he could do it. He might just be wasting time and money.

"Ken, _trust me_. My gut is _never_ wrong about talent," Jamie said over the phone one night. "You've got so much potential! You can't just rot and die in that island. I won't allow it!"

With a few more days of his co-workers' pestering, Jamie's encouragement, and his own growing curiosity on just how far he could go, Ken finally decided to take the leap. He asked Red to help him confirm the email. Then he took out what little savings he had, borrowed some money from both Red and Tip, and asked help from Jamie about getting to the screening.

Two months later, Ken sat alone on the airplane—his first plane ride ever—with his heart pounding in his chest. The experience would be a lot of firsts for him; he was shit-scared, had barely enough money, and only got past airport staff by asking a lot of stupid questions. Part of him wanted to jump off the plane and go home.

But the other part of him was excited. What could this risk hold for him? Whatever it is, he wanted to see where it would go. He didn't want to regret anything.

For the first time in a few months, Ken didn't wallow in his grief and loss of Josh. As the plane took off to carry him to some foreign place, all he could think about was what to he would do at the auditions.

* * *

As promised, Jamie met Ken at the airport. He was glad to finally see a familiar face near the exit because he was slowly starting to think that he was going to get lost and die in Manila. When he finally saw her, relief washed over Ken and he blinked back nervous tears.

If he survived this, what a story to tell his writer... _if_ they ever met again.

He got into Jamie's car and arrived at the company building two hours later. Jamie had left Ken to go up on his own, as she wasn't allowed to be seen with an auditionee. So Ken went up the stairs by himself and sat in queue along with the other auditionees who were just as fair-skinned, well-dressed, and beautiful as everyone else in Manila. Ken felt himself get conscious in his plain shirt and tattered jeans.

"First time?" asked the young man beside him. He was tall, lean, white-skinned and had reddish brown hair. He smiled at Ken with his gums showing, eyes squinting into thin slits as he did.

Ken nodded, too nervous to speak.

"Me, too," he said. "God, I hope they don't ask me to sing. I'm not good at it."

"I thought we were just going to present something we prepared? Like a dance."

The chinito nodded. "Yeah, they did. But we have to be ready, you know? They might even ask us to take a test or something."

_Test_? Ken wanted to throw up. His stomach was upset, and he felt like he was sweating bullets from his pores. He didn't belong there. He should just go home.

"Hey, hey. You okay? _You're looking pale_...!" the man beside him said again.

"Just... nervous."

"Okay, _breathe_ ," he said, demonstrating. And Ken copied him. "Yeah, like that. What's your name?"

"K-Ken."

"Nice to meet you, Ken," he said. “I'm Justin."

Ken only nodded.

"Hey, sorry. Did I scare you? I hope not. This is just my own paranoia talking." Justin put down the book he was reading on his lap. "Just... _breathe_ , okay?"

Justin kept talking, but Ken didn't exactly hear him speak. Because as soon as Justin put his book down, a picture on the back cover caught Ken's attention.

"Uh... Justin? Would... would you mind if I take a look at your book?"

Justin held it up. "This book? Oh, sure. Here you go."

A calmness, coupled with a little bit of loneliness, filled Ken as he stared at the small photo of a familiar face. Josh smiled at him in the photo. He looked much younger, had glasses on, and had a huge grin on his face.

" _Oh, my gosh_. Are you a fan of C. Santos, too?" Justin exclaimed. "I'm like... _an avid reader_! Which books of his have you read?"

"Uhm... I can't read but... someone read his ' _Anchors and Anvils_ ' to me once," Ken said, smiling at the memory.

" _Ooooh_ , a classic!" Justin said. "It's one of my favorites next to this one. I hope he releases a new book soon. He's been MIA for a while now."

"I... didn't know that," Ken said.

Justin continued talking enthusiastically about Josh and his other books. It pained Ken a little that there was a lot he didn’t know about his writer. So he tried to learn as much as he could from the conversation.

Like the fact that Josh had been publishing books since he was in college. That he was a multi-awarded author who, even at a young age, contributed to Philippine Contemporary Literature and Filipino Fiction. That he steered clear from the public eye but would be caught going on volunteer work and other community service activities.

Pride swelled up in Ken's chest. This writer— _his_ writer—was not just a beautiful face. He was a beautiful soul. Like a star Ken could only look up to. Out of his reach.

Ken realized that he had a long way to go before he could be someone worthy to stand beside Josh Cullen Santos. How many steps, he wondered, did he still need to take to catch up? How much difference do his current efforts make?

Ken didn’t know. But he was sure that waiting and second-guessing himself wouldn't work. If he wanted Josh— _and God knows he did_ —he had to start doing something.

So Ken memorized the image of Josh in his glasses smiling at him. He felt his nervousness subside a little, a thirst to prove himself taking its place.

_Josh, Josh, Josh_ , Ken repeated to himself as he stood in front of the panel. He called for his writer many times as he began his performance. As his body moved, all Ken could think about was how, this time, Josh had saved him.

* * *

The screening took all day. Some people, like Ken, took longer in the judging room. Others were told to go home on the spot. By the end of the afternoon, their number dwindled to fifteen. As they capped off the day, they were all told that they would be called back for training soon. Jamie gave Ken a proud wink.

Ken was relieved when he saw that Justin had made it to the top fifteen with him. They immediately hit it off. Justin was nice, and Ken was comfortable talking to him about things.

They talked about the future training they would be having, which turned into talks about dancing and choreography. They continued to chat like old friends over dinner at a fast food restaurant. Ken asked more about Josh, and Justin was curious about Ken’s life on the island.

Eventually, they had to go home. Justin had asked Ken where he was staying, to which Ken only shrugged as he had no idea where to look for a place to sleep. Jamie had offered her place, but Ken promptly declined.

Surprised, Justin insisted that Ken stay over at his apartment.

“Are you sure?” Ken asked. “I don’t want to be a bother.”

"My couch is big. You _won't_ be a bother, I promise," Justin said. Then he dragged Ken by the sleeve to his home.

For the millionth time since he arrived in Manila, Ken couldn't help but think that angels did exist on Earth.

* * *

Ken lay awake on Justin's couch well into the evening. He had a flight back to Surigao in a few hours and he didn't want to miss it.

But that aside, Ken began to think about Josh again. About why he left, why he couldn't stay. Ken slowly started to imagine how hard it would have been if either of them pushed the other into their own worlds. Josh would have been limited if he stayed on the island; Ken would have become insecure if he went with Josh to Manila.

It was as if the universe conspired for them to meet, only to show them why they couldn’t stay together… at least, not back then.

Ken took out Josh’s letter which he kept in his pocket the entire day. Like some sort of lucky charm. Then he thought about what he could do, so that when he met his writer again, he would at least shorten the gap between them.

_Wait for me_ , Ken prayed as he touched the letter to his lips. _Please wait for me_.

Ken started to plan, something he had not done since he was a kid. There were some things he was not sure how to go about. But like everything else he did in his life, he decided to take it one step at a time.

Ken planned until he fell asleep. Then, he started to dream. And in his dream, Josh was smiling proudly at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was long. sorry


	11. surfer boy's story unabridged (cont'd)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it really ending? :(
> 
> chapter contains: almost 4000 words of surfer boy backstory and feel-good fluff; joken and stelljun

**surfer boy’s story unabridged (cont’d)**

The first thing Ken did as soon as he got back to Surigao was enroll in ALS classes. He wasn't exactly sure why he did it, but it was largely because of the requirements for his new job.

The talent agency had been sending Ken back and forth between Surigao and Manila for training. This meant he had to quit at the resort and learn to travel by himself. It also meant Ken had to learn a higher degree of independence—reading and writing, included.

Ken would stay in Manila for weeks at a time, crashing at Justin's couch or sleeping at the company lounge. When he was in the island, he would stay at his boarding house. This became the life that he knew, in addition to traveling, performing, and studying.

Tip, Red, and Jamie all congratulated him and were supportive of his decision to continue his education. And when Justin learned he was taking the ALS, he helped him review the materials whenever they had free time.

It was like a floodgate had opened. After deciding to go full-time, Ken had been given offers and modeling gigs one after another. He learned more. He became more confident. But most importantly, he was having the time of his life.

Days became weeks. Weeks became months. Ken barely felt time pass as he was kept busy training, dancing, giving workshops, modeling, and studying. But in everything that he did, one thing pushed Ken to keep moving forward: meeting Josh again. And he hoped that when he did, he wanted to be someone Josh could be proud of.

* * *

"Hey, _dre_?" Red asked him.

They were sharing a few bottles of beer over some sisig for the first time in a while since Ken started working. It had been a year. So many things have happened, including his passing the ALS and slowly building his performing resumé.

Ken looked up at him, half-sober. " _'Sup_."

"Someone's been calling the resort over and over, looking for you."

"Is it someone from the agency?" Ken asked, taking a huge swig from his bottle.

Red shook his head. "No... I keep forgetting to get his name. But he's been asking for you."

"Oh... it must be work-related," he answered. "You can... uhm... just give him my number the next time he calls."

" _Naks_!" Red exclaimed, hitting him twice on the shoulder. "You're such a big-time star now. People are asking for your number."

Ken shook his head, smiling. It was true that his number had been passed around on more than one occasion. He had to change his digits twice because he became uncomfortable with some of his… _fans_.

But no matter how many people claim to like him, it didn't matter much. Because there was only one person he wanted. And until he sees him again, Ken would have to keep working hard.

* * *

Ken woke up because Justin dropped something hard and heavy on his face.

" _What the fuck, Jah_?" Ken complained, rubbing his sleepy eyes. His phone landed on the couch beside his head.

"Don't ' _what the fuck_ ' me, mister. Your phone has been ringing nonstop since early this morning!" Justin stomped back to his room. "We didn't buy you a phone for you to just ignore it, _dumbass_."

Ken threw a couch pillow at his friend but missed. Justin just stuck his tongue out at him.

Sighing, Ken checked his call logs. _Wow_. He had 13 missed calls from the same unregistered number, the earliest of which was logged at 7:00AM.

Ken thought about who could be looking for him. It couldn't be someone he owed money from because he'd slowly started to pay everyone back; except for Justin, who had more money than he could actually spend.

As he stared at the number, thinking, his phone rang again. It was the same mystery caller. Thinking it might be something important, Ken sleepily tapped the 'Accept' button and put the phone in his ear.

"Hello…? This is Ken."

"Thank God! _Finally_!" The voice was familiar, but Ken couldn’t remember who it was.

"Uhm... who is this?" he asked.

"John Paulo. Ah, but maybe it's better to call me _Jun_. Shorter that way."

Ken hurriedly sat up, sleepiness leaving him in a snap. He only knew of one John Paulo whose nickname was Jun. His heart skipped a beat. 

" _Jun_?!"

"Yes... like... _Josh Cullen's editor_ , Jun. How've you been?"

"I'm... fine. How... _How is he_?"

Jun laughed at him. "Why am I not surprised that you'd ask that first thing?"

Of course, Ken would ask about Josh. As soon as Ken got the hang of using the internet, he had practiced and studied reading with just about every article and blog post he could find about Josh. But there were so few of them that none told him anything recent or relevant.

"Is he... doing okay?"

"He's doing _very well_ ," Jun said. There was a fondness in Jun's voice that Ken didn't miss. Did Ken also sound like that when he talked about his writer?

"I see…"

"He's been writing nonstop. I haven't seen him this fired up since I began as his editor!"

"That's... that's great," Ken said. He was happy that Josh finally got over his slump; but at the same time sad because Josh was steadily increasing the gap between them yet again.

"He writes about you a lot, you know?"

A warm and fuzzy feeling spread throughout Ken’s chest. It was ten in the morning, he hadn't bathed or eaten yet. He wasn't decent enough to present to anybody. But just that statement made him want to run and beg for Jun to show him Josh.

"Surprised?" Jun asked.

"I just... he hasn’t forgotten about me?"

Jun chuckled. "God, no! It's the opposite, actually. You've... given him quite a bit of a push in the right direction. And I want to thank you for that."

"I'm... _glad_." Ken balled his hands into fists. He wanted to hold Josh in his arms but it caught nothing but air.

"Ah, but that's not why I'm calling!" Jun exclaimed. "Gosh, _I'm such a ditz_!"

"Oh... why?"

"I'm not sure if you've heard... but he'll be publishing a new book."

An unbidden smile flash across Ken's face. Part of him wanted to scream and brag to Justin that his writer was getting back on track. " _That's great_!"

"Yes! It's a children's book. Weird, right?"

"Hmm... yeah, I guess. He usually writes for older audiences, doesn't he?"

"Yup..." Jun said. "Ask me why it's a children's book. _Go ahead_."

"Oh- _kay_...? _Why_ is it a children's book?"

"Because..." he started, pausing to tease. "He told me that _someone_ might have a hard time reading young adult fiction."

_Oh_...

"He wrote it for _you_ , dummy."

Ken felt giddy all over. He laid on his side on the couch, curling up into a happy ball of fluff. He was pretty sure he was blushing. What the _fucking fuck_.

"Ken? Are you still there?"

Ken cleared his throat. "Yeah... Yeah, I'm here.

"Do you get what I'm saying?"

"I'm not sure."

"Ugh, _you are both idiots_!" Juns said. There was a scuffling on his end of the line and another male spoke, but Ken couldn't hear. "I'm saying he's head over heels for you. I would have let it go if he got over it. But it's been a year and he’s still _all about you_."

_Head over heels_. _Still all about you_. Ken felt like he was burning underneath his skin.

"If you're still there, then I want to invite you to his book signing that's coming up next month."

"You mean, I can... _go and see him_?"

"Yeah, _duh_?" Jun said. "It's painful for me to watch Josh pining when you both so obviously like each other."

"Okay," Ken said. "Okay, I'll go. Do you have dates and a venue? Uhm... what should I wear?"

* * *

"Calm down, Felip Jhon. Why are you more excited than _I_ am?" Justin hissed. He pinched Ken's side then waved a copy of the book ' _A Boy Lost at Sea_ ' over his face. "I came here to get my books signed. If you ruin that for me, I'll kick you out of my house."

Ken pouted at him as they walked. When Ken told Justin about the signing, Justin was excited. He immediately made plans for the two of them to go. Ken didn’t tell Justin about his relationship with Josh, however… it wasn’t as if there _was_ a relationship there in the first place.

So there they were, Justin walking merrily to the venue of Josh’s book launch and signing, bringing his entire C. Santos collection with him.

Ken tried breathing deeply, but his heart wasn't calming down at all. Not with Josh’s pictures plastered everywhere. It was like walking into a candy store and not being allowed to touch anything.

A few more steps and Ken would enter the main hall. And once he got in, Ken would see Josh again for the first time in over a year. He couldn't calm down at the thought.

As they went through the door, Ken was surprised at the size of the venue. The main hall was wide with a high ceiling. It was decorated simply, but elegantly. There was the smell of ink and old books that permeated the air. Rows and rows of bookshelves lined next to each other in a maze-like fashion. And it was quiet… except for the silent murmuring of a small crowd and a voice that echoed throughout the room, reading.

"' _Perhaps it would be foolish, perhaps it would be brave; but in this mighty ocean you can only sail_ '…"

Josh sat at the long table in front, reading passages from his book. His voice, smooth like velvet, felt like a soft caress on Ken's ears. Ken didn’t miss the way his eyes crinkled beneath his glasses as he read.

He had not changed in the time that Ken did not see him. He was just as beautiful, if not more, and the satisfied smile flashing across his face as he read looked good on him.

“‘ _I do not know whether to be foolish or brave,’ said the boy. ‘But I know that happiness is when you and I sail._ ’”

Ken closed his eyes and pretended it was just him and Josh, on the cottage, reading. And his heart felt more peaceful than it had in a long time.

Before coming to the library, Ken had a lot of doubts. He wasn’t sure if this time around, just having intense feelings would be enough for Josh to let Ken stay by his side. What if it wasn’t as simple as one plus one? What if, because of all the things Josh had now, Ken no longer had a place with him? Even if they _did_ like each other.

But watching Josh doing what he loved doing, seeing him content. Ken couldn’t help the feeling of adoration that blossomed in his chest. Josh looked so happy that his happiness became Ken’s happiness, too. Because Josh deserved every good thing happening to him.

So if ‘good things’ included Ken, that would be great. If not… that would _suck_ , but Ken would be happy for him still.

* * *

Ken stood in line to get his book signed, between a young girl and Justin. As he got closer and closer, he could see the features of Josh's face in more detail. He became more mellow, glowing. And Ken was reminded why waiting for this man had been worth it.

Josh looked amusedly at the little girl who had just gotten her signed book. _The sparkle in his eyes is beautiful_ , Ken thought. And he was glad that it was there more permanently now, compared to before.

"To whom should I address this to?" Josh had his head down, concentrating on the book. He was still smiling, and Ken wanted to take a picture for safekeeping.

"Uhm…” he began, nervous again. “Can you just put in… ‘ _surfer boy_ ’?"

Josh paused, the smile on his lips fading. Then he looked up and stared. And he kept staring until Ken wanted to burst into flames. If he kissed Josh on the spot, would he be kicked out?

“Can—Do you have time? Can you wait until I’m done…? _Please_ …”

There was desperation in Josh’s voice that made Ken feel hopeful. So he nodded and smiled. Because, yes. He would wait. He would always wait if Josh asked him to.

* * *

Ken learned that some things in life _were_ as simple as one plus one. He liked Josh. Apparently, Josh liked him back. And even if Josh had everything he wanted in life, he still made some room for Ken. Just that thought made Ken feel like he won the lottery.

Ken wanted to make the most of it. It may have been more than a year later, but Ken’s feelings were still as intense as it had always been. In fact, he must have been even more needy with Josh. He still could not get enough. It was almost scary how he wanted Josh all the time.

Josh's eyes. Josh's lips. Josh's scent. How he tasted. He had missed them so much.

" _Ahem_!"

Ken’s hand stopped just over Josh’s chest. They paused, looking at each other for a split second, before turning to the door. Jun stood there, and Ken watched as Josh turned an adorable shade of red.

_Oops, busted_ , he thought as Jun continued to linger. Ken had almost forgotten that they were still in a public place. It would have been funny if it wasn’t so embarrassing.

One of these days, he thought, his hunger for Josh was going to land him in jail for sure.

So Ken reined in his desires. He buttoned Josh's shirt and tried to control himself. Josh was finally within reach, he didn’t need to hurry. After all, there was no way in the world he was ever going to let this man go.

* * *

Josh looked away, a blush creeping up to his cheeks.

Why? Ken didn't know.

"Do you... want to go somewhere private?" he asked as they made their way out of the restaurant.

Josh’s luncheon meeting had just ended. It was kept brief, and their discussions were short. Which gave Ken and Josh the entire afternoon to talk more.

"Hm... I can’t think of anywhere in particular. Where do you want to go?" Ken asked.

"Uhm... My place?"

Ken's heart practically leaped out of his chest. Josh's place? He would finally see where this man lived? How his private space looked like? How he moved when he felt no need to pretend? Forget about the lottery, Ken felt like he had just been awarded with knighthood.

" _Sure_!" he said, trying to hide his enthusiasm. "Should we buy dinner ahead of time?"

Josh bit his lip. "No… it's fine..."

"Great!" Ken exclaimed. " _Let's go_...!"

And he excitedly followed Josh to Jun's car, one of Josh's hands wrapping around his own.

* * *

Josh's condominium was simple, sparsely furnished, and filled with books. The walls were colored beige, the furniture dark brown and curtains moss green. The scent of roasted coffee was strong that Ken could smell if even from the foyer.

Ken wanted to admire the interior but couldn’t when, as soon as they closed the door behind them, Josh pulled Ken in for a heated kiss. He clung to Ken with his legs wrapped around his waist. Ken instinctively carried him.

"Wait— _Josh_ —!" he exclaimed, confused but still returned every hungry nip and bite Josh gave to him. "Wait—I thought— _mmph_ —we were going to talk?"

Josh shook his head as he continued to ravage Ken’s lips.

Still carrying Josh, Ken stumbled to the living room and sat down on the couch. Josh straddled him as they continued kissing until they ran out of breath.

Josh only spoke when Ken broke their kiss to start attacking his neck. "Less talking—we’ll talk _later_..."

"But I thought—!"

Josh cut him off by kissing him. " _Bedroom_... _please_ , Ken..." Then Josh buried his face on Ken's neck, like he did a year ago, as he steadily grew warmer.

_I'm weak to his pleas_. _Noted_ , Ken thought.

He wrapped Josh tightly in his arms and kissed his temple. "Okay... okay, less talking… Uhm… Where's the bedroom, though?"

At that, Josh laughed.

* * *

"And then, I was surprised when you pushed me to the bed, got on top of me and—"

" _Gah_! You don't need to re-tell that part! I remember it!" Josh yelled, covering Ken’s mouth with his hand. " _I'm all caught up_. _It's fine_!"

Ken laughed and hugged him close. Josh was like a completely different person now that they were just talking. Earlier, he was like a wild animal as he pleasured both of them. Ken barely had to do anything. He just lay on the bed.

"I... missed you," Ken confessed as he stared up at the ceiling.

" _Geez_ , you sappy little dork," Josh said, shaking his head but getting red in the face.

"Haha, but it's true. The thought of seeing you again… that kept me moving forward, you know? There were times when I would get tired and think that I was doing something pointless... and then I'd remember that I still had to catch up to you. So… I never stopped."

"Don't run after me, Ken," Josh said, punching him lightly on the stomach. "It's not a competition. I want you to grow in your career without the pressure of having to catch up to me. _Got it_?"

Ken shrugged. "But you're already so great, though. If I was you—"

" _'Were'_ , Ken. Not _'was'_."

He laughed. "A'right. If I _were_ you... I wouldn't want my boyfriend to be just a bum... so... I at least want to be someone you can be proud of."

"How many times do I have to say I'm already proud of you?"

"At least a thousand times more?" He grinned.

Josh sighed. "Well, I had a head-start. Of course, I'd be a bit more accomplished. But I won't leave you even if you're only just starting, okay?"

He sat up and planted a kiss on Ken's lips. "I already left you once. And though I don't regret it, I'd be much happier staying with you."

Ken hoped he wasn't too red in the face because _damn_. Josh didn't say 'I love you' straight but what he said sounded much better.

"So... keep at it, alright? I'll cheer for you... even if my voice isn't that loud, _haha_."

Ken felt himself tear up a little bit. Josh's words felt like the reassurance he didn’t think he needed to hear.

"Why are you crying, _you big baby_?" Josh teased, kissing the stray tears that fell.

"Sorry... can't help it.” Ken took one of Josh’s arms and planted kisses on the inside of his wrists. “I'm glad I found you again."

Josh made a face. " _Technically_ , Jun gets credit for that. So yeah, I definitely owe him."

"Tell him I said 'thanks'."

" _Actually_ ," Josh started, "Jun kind of asked if we could have dinner with him and his boyfriend tonight at seven..."

" _Eh_?!"

"Yeah... I couldn't say 'no'. He's... _persistent_."

"I... know." Ken sat up. Josh remained lying on his side on the bed. "I guess we should get ready?"

Josh grinned at him. Then slowly pushed Ken back to the bed, trapping him between his arms.

"It's still early..." he said, grazing his nose over Ken’s jaw. "Can I have you to myself in the meantime?"

Ken smiled when Josh kissed him. "You're starting to get greedy, you know?"

Josh threw the blanket back, exposing their naked bodies to the cold air. "I'm afraid it's too late to back out now, _sir_."

Ken smiled. He cupped Josh’s waist. "Who said anything about running?"

Josh leaned over him and kissed him passionately. Ken responded by sucking at his lower lip, but paused in surprise when Josh started touching him.

Ken’s mind melted into an incoherent puddle of sensations. He felt the longing in the way his writer seemed to breathe him in. Was it possible that Josh missed him as much as Ken did?

He was still distracted with Josh’s lips that Ken didn’t notice Josh had started to lower himself onto him.

"Mmph—ugh, _Josh_...!" he spat out.

“Are you trying to be cute right now?” Josh asked, ghosting his nose over Ken’s jaw. His hands caressed Ken’s chest before gripping his shoulders tightly.

“Stop teasing…”

“Careful what you wish for,” he replied.

Josh sat up straight, combing his hand through his hair. And then he started to move, slowly at first, on his own. Ken could only grip his waist tight, his brain shooting fireworks into his groin but unable to send commands to the rest of his limbs.

_Shit_ , Ken thought. Josh’s movements were obscenely beautiful. Heat was already pooling at the bottom of his stomach. _This is bad_.

Josh hastened his pace. Ken met him in the middle, bucking his hips upward with more force than he initially intended. The motion almost made Josh topple over, but he caught himself with both hands. He gripped the blankets.

“ _Touch me, Ken_ —!” Josh pleaded as he moved.

Ken obliged, one trembling hand stroking Josh, matching the rhythm he had set. He burned the picture of Josh arching his head back in ecstasy into his mind.

“ _Ugh_ , yes!” his writer cried out in a loud voice.

Josh leaned down slowly to kiss Ken. Ken lost his mind when Josh bit his lower lip hard as he fought back his moans. He ran his tongue over it. Josh smiled into their kiss, pushing in deeper.

Ken felt like crying and laughing at the same time. He had missed this. The wonderful, chaotic mess of losing himself when it came to Josh. And how Josh seemed to be the same when it came to him. If they both lost their minds, how beautiful would that be? Just the two of them in their own little world.

Ken would like that very much.

Ken picked up the pace until he was ramming into Josh hard. He pressed his forehead on Josh's shoulder.

“Ke— _ugh_!” Josh squealed when Ken thrust into him deeply. Faster and faster... the sound of their skin slapping against each other was so erotic, so beautiful that Ken wanted to cursed all the curse words he knew in his head. But Josh’s lips were keeping his occupied.

He held Josh tight as if he let go he would disappear. Josh welcomed his embrace, perhaps knowing what Ken was thinking. They both inched closer.

"Mmm— _argh_!" Josh cried out as he came in his and Ken's hand. Ken found release a second later.

Josh settled himself on top of Ken, catching his breath. They basked in the afterglow for a while. A little euphoric, a little sore. Josh shivered when Ken pulled out of him but smiled widely as Ken peppered his face with small kisses.

"Stop that! It _tickles_!" Josh said, laughing.

"Are you okay?" Ken asked, his nose touching Josh's. He grinned. "Think you can walk?"

Josh tapped him on the jaw with his knuckle. "How dare you?"

"Kidding! Kidding, of course." Ken kissed him again. "So should we clean up _now_?"

Josh nodded. "I'll take care of the sheets later."

He stood up wincing, Ken holding on to his arms. Ken snorted but stopped when Josh gave him the stink-eye before walking out.

Ken couldn't help but admire how beautiful Josh looked from the back. Sweat trickled down his neck to his back. A string of white ran down his legs. A sight to behold. And it was for all Ken to see.

After more than a year apart, it made Ken feel peaceful knowing that he would be able to see this more often. Suddenly, the past seemed like a distant nightmare, the present felt like an undeserved gift, and the future looked as bright as the smile Josh was giving to him as he turned his head.

"How does a bath sound?"

Ken smiled, still not taking his eyes off him. "Sounds like a plan."

* * *

"Hey, Jun?" Stell asked, checking his wristwatch. "Are they going to take any longer?"

Jun rubbed his temples. He and Stell had been waiting for over an hour at the restaurant. "I have _no_ idea. I wouldn't put it past Josh to not check the time. And because Ken is here..."

"Ah, here comes Josh!" Stell said, perking up and pointing towards the entrance.

Josh and Ken walked in, Josh was saying something animatedly. _Probably complaining_ , Jun thought. But Ken was looking at Josh's annoyed face like it was the most precious sight to see.

Seeing someone look at Josh the way Ken did made Jun forgive their tardiness... at least for the moment.

"Hi, sorry we're late. We were—"

" _Don't_! _Even_! _Explain_!" Jun said, covering his ears. If they picked up where they left off at the library, Jun didn't want to hear it. Josh turned red while Ken only fought back a chuckle.

Stell whistled as he stood, holding out his hand to Ken. " _Stell_. You must be Ken."

"Nice to meet you," Ken answered, his voice deep and husky. He firmly shook Stell’s hand and gestured for Josh to sit.

Ken waited for Josh to get settled—Jun didn't miss that look of pain; _finally_ , this prude has gotten some action—before sitting down himself.

"So... _dinner_?" Stell said, placing his hand on top of Jun's. “By the way, Ken. I heard you’re a model…”

Stell took over the dinner chat like the conversationalist he is. Jun was glad he could always count on Stell to ease up any nervous tension in the atmosphere. He fell just a little bit more in love with the man.

The glances Stell kept making at Jun, loving and adoring glances, looked exactly like the way Josh would look at Ken and Ken would gaze back at Josh. If anything was obvious, Jun thought, it was that they were in love. And Jun felt secure that somebody would finally care for his beloved friend.

Jun hadn't seen Josh any happier in the past. Seeing him that way, Jun hoped that Ken may finally be the universe's way of repaying Josh for all the bad things that had happened to him. Sure, it wouldn’t all be rainbows and butterflies; he and Stell could attest to that. But regardless of what happened, his sincere wish was for Josh’s happiness.

That’s why, when Josh flashed a satisfied smile at Jun, he prayed for Josh’s happiness to last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jun pov in the last scene because i think a third person pov to their love story is warranted. also, am currently writing a sequel to this… but… i have to the joshtin one, too. i'm so confused right now.
> 
> many thanks to everyone who left me with much love on twtr. i appreciate it and it means a lot to me that people enjoy the stories i only started to write for myself. thank you loving the writer and the surfer boy who have become precious babie boys to me. 
> 
> lastly, stan SB19! they deserve all our love and support. thank you all.


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